Truths

This year has been a year of many challenges, a few triumphs, and a lot of ups and downs.  When 2014 started I was excited because one of my main goals of the year was to work on my relationship with Jesus and to become a completely committed follower of Him, stronger in my faith and to have a life that was miraculously changed for Him.

I admit, that in my endeavor, there have been more failures than successes, and while I sit here wondering, chastising even, how I could have done things differently, done things better, I know in my heart that there are only 2 reasons why I have failed in specific areas in which I could have succeeded, or...at least done better.  The first reason being...I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that fact! Not only accepting the fact that I am human and therefore flawed...but not beating myself up for it.  The second reason for my failures is quite simply, I put my trust in humanity, (my own and others) instead of my Jesus's sovereignty.  Truth hurts. Writing that sentence hurt.  I have allowed myself to become so blinded by my humanity, my mistakes, my own self-hatred for my failures, or what I perceive my failures to be, and everything else that life has thrown at me, that I have forgotten who I truly am, which is a child of the one true, living God, and that I am saved and I am redeemed.

I have gone from one end of the spectrum of faith to the other, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, my spiritual highs being incredible,  revealing to me wondrous things about God and His love for me, a place where I promise myself to never leave or let go of... to falling into valleys  filled with darkness and self-condemnation so deep that I do not think that I will recover.  It is a place where shame and guilt plague me day and night, where memories of the past, and mistakes of the present eat away at my soul threatening to bring me to a point where there is no return to the God of my salvation, and strength.  The God that I have found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with.

But how does this happen?  How can I go from one extreme to another knowing that when I am walking with Jesus, I actually can stand myself, and maybe even like myself, but when I am not...I definitely don't?  Why do I fall?  Why do I fail so much and so often?

Truth hurts, is hard to admit and while I may not see it in the midst of circumstances I know the answer to these questions also.

I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.

If I am quite honest with myself, with no excuses, the answer to those questions lies in that one sentence.

I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.

It might start as just a little thing..."God, I'm tired today, please forgive me as I choose to nap instead of spending time with You."  "I can't believe what is happening today, I am too mad and upset to sit here and spend time with You, God", to one of the worst "God, I don't understand how You could let this happen...I don't want to talk to You!"

Then we all know how it goes,
one day turns into two,
two turns into three,
so forth and so on,
until it is just too easy to let life happen,
to let life block out what should be my biggest priority...
my life with Christ

Every person's journey with Christ is different.  Every person's spiritual need is different.  I know that my needs, spiritually, are probably much more than what the average person needs on a daily basis.  I know that because of my past, because of issues that have scarred me deeply from my childhood, that in order for me to be "spiritually healthy" and therefore mentally and emotionally healthy, that I need to be in the Word, that I need to be on my knees EVERY DAY.  I know that my relationship with the Father, and my relationship with my Jesus has to be daily, WITHOUT FAIL, otherwise I will find myself, sooner than later, back in a valley.

I guess that is what this blog is...

My own spiritual journey with Christ.  What I am learning, how I live my life.  My record of growth and failures, triumphs and mistakes...

The life of a simple woman, wife, mother, Jesus lover...just trying to make it, to grow in faith and live for Jesus in a world that is difficult and messy, and wonderful and beautiful all at the same time.

It is my Simple View.