Uncomfortable Changes

Okay, so, I have been a social media ghost since my last blog posting.

After reading Sadie Robertson's devotional "Living Fearless", on YouVersion late Saturday night and being hit by the realization that the main reason why I was unable to quit smoking was because I was scared, I went on to start reading her book, (which I had gotten on Amazon Kindle for .99) and I was convicted. I now knew why I was struggling to quit smoking, I have known for a long time now that I needed to quit, not just for my health but because I feel it's what God has been pushing me to do, so I decided, so I could be faithful to my beliefs and to my own desires, it was time to bite the bullet, take that step of faith and quit... cold turkey.

Going to bed was not fun. I was terrified, absolutely terrified, laying under my covers, trembling and begging God this time, not to help me quit smoking, but to get over my FEAR of quitting smoking. I have depended on cigarettes to get me through EVERYTHING and all of a sudden, just like that, I decided to give it up.

Now it's Tuesday, and I'm not scared anymore, but I'm definitely NOT through it. I feel like crud. I'm so tired I feel like the bags under my eyes have bags, and I can't concentrate on anything. All I want to do is sleep. Also, I have a massive headache, and I feel like I have the flu. Because it's been so rough over the last couple of days I am behind on everything, Bible study, journaling, blogging, writing, housework, everything. I haven't even been on my Facebook or Instagram much.

I am, however, alive, even though it feels like barely, and I don't know why I have always started smoking again when I know that the quitting process is so stinking miserable.

Some people reading this may be like, "Oh my goodness, I didn't know that about her." or "I don't see what the big deal is."

Unless you've spent much time with me, or been one of the people that I've trusted, I haven't been very open about the fact that I am a smoker because I was ashamed of it. It doesn't go with my Christian appearance or my Christian lifestyle. Some people I was open with because they either didn't care, or they smoke too, or I was open with people because I was letting them know my struggle.

It doesn't go with my Christian appearance. That USED to be so huge to me. Now, I don't care about appearance as much as lifestyle. It doesn't support the belief that God gave me this body to take care of, it doesn't support the belief that my body is a temple, and it causes inner turmoil in my heart and soul.

In "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst, she states that "anything that wages war against your soul is a sinful desire". (Taken from 1 Peter 2:11 "Dear friends, I warn you, as temporary residents and foreigners to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls".) And while I was supposed to be doing that Bible study in order to become healthy and have a healthy relationship with food, every time that phrase or a phrase like it came up, my mind went immediately to my addiction to cigarettes. Because, if anything was waging war in my soul it was that. I didn't feel like that was who I was anymore, but I was stuck in a place of wanting to change, to becoming someone different and not being able to. 

I felt like smoking made me feel dirty and like a liar, like I was misrepresenting who I felt I was. As I am writing this, please don't get upset, this is about me and how I feel about myself. I am not by any means saying that smoking is any of that in other people. I am saying for my life of faith and for the person who I want to be, that is how smoking made me feel.

When I read that devotional about fear and realized with such clarity that fear was what was holding me back, I knew that if I was going to change it had to be now or never.

So, here I find myself almost 3 full days later, (since it was past midnight when I officially quit), completely miserable, but not tempted. This is the most determined that I have ever been to quit smoking because it isn't about me getting healthier and living longer, it's about being who I want to be, a Jesus follower, ALL in. And to do that, I can NOT have anything waging war in my soul.

Hopefully, prayerfully this misery will end soon and I will get back to my normal self, a better version of my normal self and I will be stronger for the process.

Afraid of Change

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I wasn't going to write another blog entry today, but I had just now finished reading my YouVersion devotional, "Live Fearless" by Sadie Robertson and right before that I had been watching a YouTube video about mistakes made on the keto diet, and between the two I was struck with a realization about myself and I had to write it down.

I am afraid. That is my issue.

I am a smoker. What does smoking have to do with fear?

I have tried many times to quit smoking. I quit with each of my pregnancies, but always within 3 to 6 months I started back up and I quit once for over a year when I was obsessively working out and losing weight. I quit once, just because, for over a year until there was a major issue going on in our lives that I couldn't handle.

I have failed, over and over and over again, and I am ashamed of that failure. I have failed. It's that simple.

Once I made the decision to quit smoking for spiritual reasons, quitting became even harder. Now that I have decided to live a healthier lifestyle and fight my diabetes with food doing keto, I know even more now that I need to quit smoking.

I have prayed and prayed about this issue for years. Time and time again I thought that I had given it over to God, or I begged him to remove the desire from me. The more that I pray about it, the harder it gets to quit, and the more I feel like a failure.

What does this have to do with fear, you ask? I am afraid to quit because I know it's going to be uncomfortable. I have terrible withdrawal symptoms, it hurts, I become exhausted and cranky and sick and I don't look forward to it at all, so I admit, I'm afraid of the withdrawal.

Also, I'm afraid to fail again not only because it's, well, failure, but because failure brings shame, and shame can devour me. Over the years whenever I quit I would always say that I would never start again, and then something would happen that I wouldn't be able to handle emotionally or mentally and I would turn back to my old friends who made me feel better, (even though they are stabbing me in the back with their friendship). 

I am afraid of what I will do without smoking. How will I handle stress, or anger, or loneliness or fear? Gulp.

I love my Jesus, I want to follow Him and depend on Him. He is supposed to be enough for me.

I'm scared that He is not.

The YouTube video I was watching was talking about common mistakes people make on keto, and one of those mistakes was not having accountability. They went on to say tell the world, make it known, have people help you and hold you accountable.

Then I start watching Sadie Robertson's YouTube video for my nightly devotion on living fearlessly, and she is talking about how it's not okay to let people live in fear. That you have to call them out and cover them with prayer and scripture.

https://youtu.be/yoc9gD5i0zo

And when I started to read, the first line of the devotional said, "Are you torn right now because you really want to do something, but you're afraid?" Gulp.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the next paragraph she challenges us to say yes to whatever we are currently saying no to, to not let fear make you say no when God is leading you to say yes.

The reason I can't quit smoking is not my lack of faith in God, it's not my lack of wanting or trying to be obedient, it's because I'm afraid. Light bulb moment.

The fact that I am writing this, makes me even more afraid, because I'm not only asking you to cover me in prayer, I'm asking for you to call me out and to hold me accountable. That's a scary thing! But, I want to be healthy, I want to have my body be the temple that God made it to be, and I want to be even more faithful in my walk with Him without anything to separate us, so I NEED Him to be enough for me.

"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." Psalms 46:1