In Sickness and in Health

I have been debating whether to write this post or not and even as I start these first few sentences I pray that God will give me clarity and the words to say.  This blog is so much about me reminding myself of the things that I've learned and continue to learn on a daily basis.  Almost like my accountability book.  It's my view of my life and how I am progressing on it's journey.  When I go back and re-read some of the posts I've written I can see where I have fallen so much, but then I'm reminded that that is what this journey is all about.  Learning lessons, learning from our past mistakes, and repenting of them and moving on.  And therein is where my struggle lies.

In sickness and in health.  When we think of that phrase we think of marriage.  But for me, right now in this moment, it applies to my relationship with Christ.  I have been sick.  I have been very sick and for me being sick is not a good thing.  Being sick is a time when all of my old demons come out of the closet, sometimes bigger than they were before.  Depression, a HUGE issue when I am sick and under the weather.  Worthlessness, guilt, shame, and the inability to persevere.  That's me.  When I am sick I tend to forget everything that I have learned and let my physical rule over me.  That is why the mind, body and SPIRIT connection have become such a huge focus in my life. This last week has not been among my best and everything that I proclaimed to believe in and have proclaimed to have learned kind of flew out the window.  That in itself paints a big word on my forehead in my mind: FAILURE or I'll go even one step further and say: HYPOCRITE.

I as a human have this tendency to keep tabs on everything I do, except for me I tend to remember all of my mistakes and forget all of my victories.  I have always been a "glass half empty" type of person, something of which I have prayed to change and I think that I have made some small steps in that direction although in my own judgmental mind those small steps are never enough for me.  I am always feeling like I should do this better, or do that better or I should BE better, a better person, wife, mother.  In some ways, I can never meet my own expectations of myself.  But being sick?  It brings out the very worst of me in so many different ways.  And as I write this, I am ashamed to admit that it took me over a week to get to the point where I could see that like I do now.  But here's what I am learning tonight.

In sickness and in health, the vows I took on my wedding day, need to be applied directly to my relationship with Jesus.  But in the reverse.  I need to remember that when I am sick and feeling horrible, cranky, alone, etc...that I need more than ever to depend on Him.  I need to remember that just because I feel so terrible not to let that override my commitment to Him.  I still need to be praying, I still need to be reading his word even if it's just a few minutes, I still need to be focusing on what is right and true and not on how badly I feel.  I need to remember to not let my physical discomfort get in the way of my relationship with Him. Because when my focus is on my physical ailments and not on Him, I am not a person to be around.

I said before that I keep tabs on myself and usually of all my mistakes.  I have also said before that I look forward to new days because they are a blank sheet of paper, but in my mind....are they really? Blank to me? Not if I'm keeping tabs!!!!  But here's what hit me afresh tonight as I was steaming myself out in the shower.  Jesus is not keeping tabs on me.

Ironically enough after I had that realization, I read my cousin's blog tonight and I will steal a little of what she wrote here...."God does not care about your poor choices",  "That's not to say He doesn't care - but He cares ONLY FOR YOU".  I love how God does that sometimes.  I will be having an issue about something or reading something or praying something and then I look somewhere and someone else has written or spoken AT THAT MOMENT about the very issue I am struggling with.

The other thing that I have been brought back to, yet again, and a lesson I continue to be taught, but have trouble grasping when times are tough is that when I am alone, I am alone for a reason.  Those times when I am feeling alone and struggling are the times when Jesus is there waving at me saying "Hey...You...I AM HERE!!!!  COME TO ME!!!!" as He is desperately trying to get my attention!  Well, something like that. I fully believe that sometimes God allows us to be in a place where we feel completely alone in the world, for whatever reason, so that we are knocked in the head to remember that He is there, and that He is our friend and comforter and confidant.  When we find ourselves in a place,  no matter what the circumstance, we find ourselves alone it's because He wants our attention back on Him.  At least this is proving to be the case in my personal life.  I believe that He allows me to feel alone because then I remember that I can talk to Him when there seems to be no one else to turn to.  Usually it happens at a point where I have lost my focus on Him.  He wants to be my best friends.  He IS my best friend.  So why do I forget that?

2 Corinthians 12:9
     "My grace is enough; It's all you need. My grace comes into it's own in your weakness."  


Being sick is a struggle for me because as a mom, I am the one who takes care of my family, or tries to.  When I am sick and feel cruddy and feel like I can't do that to the best of my ability or at all, then it hits me where it hurts the most.  My security.  Those demons coming out of the closet?  Mostly based on my own insecurities.  As a stay at home mom, my job is to take care of my family, and when I can't do that I find myself drowning in my failures. I am beginning to understand that that is because I identify my security in what I do as a mom, rather than who I am in Christ.  I forget that all of my security comes from Him, and not in what I do.

This week has been one full of lessons hard learned.  I have backslid in my actions and not lived what I believe.  However, I am finding myself grateful for these lessons because the very fact that I can look back and see my mistakes and admit them means to me that I am growing, and I am changing and that God is working in me.  I just have to be patient enough to get out of God's way and let Him do in me what He wants, and to not let my focus get off of Him.  It is a struggle and a fight, and while sometimes I don't feel like I have the strength in me to keep on in that battle, I come upon moments like these and realize that it's worth it.  Why?  Because as I grow and continue to fight those battles, I am beginning to like me.  I am beginning to be comfortable with who I am and who God made me and wants me to be.  I am beginning to accept and see myself as His creation and that has more meaning and purpose to me than anything else.  And this is just the beginning!

Challenges

Sometimes, there are just days in which all of the challenges in life seem to be overpowering.  Sometimes there are days in which when dealing with all of the challenges I forget where my focus should be.  Sometimes there are days in which I just want to give in, when my body says "that's it, I quit" and where my mind is too weary to think clearly.  I am sad to admit that today has been one of those days.  Anytime before, the fact that I gave in to my weariness I would have spent the evening or day beating myself up about how horrible I have been.   And while I am not proud of the fact that I gave in to myself and what my body was telling me, I am beginning to accept myself as being HUMAN more and more and realizing that as long as I am not living in that depressive state of never leaving my bed or the couch for days at a time and while I am making improvements in my life daily that I am NOT superwoman, as much as we mothers tend to try to make ourselves so.  Sometimes it IS in my best interest and the interest of my family if I listen to my body and the weariness of my mind and rest.

Over the last few months, I have learned a few things in which there are days that I desperately CLING to even if it seems to be by the last thread.

1.  Just because I can't do EVERYTHING, even if I try, does NOT mean I am a failure or a loser, I am human!

2.  Sometimes I have to work hard to just accept that it's not possible to do everything and sometimes it's best not try to do it all for the sake of others.
      *I tend to, when focused on getting EVERYTHING done that needs to be done, forget to focus on personal needs of my family because I'm so into doing stuff, and I walk over every one's feelings.

3.  I'm learning on trying to focus on the things that will have eternal impact and bring closeness and joy to       my family, but I admit, I'm still not very good at it.  It's something that I still need to pray a lot about.

4.  And probably the hardest one of all,  that as much as I want to change and control my family and create
what my image of the perfect family is, I can only change myself and my own reactions.

5.  Last and not least, I HAVE to take care of myself.  I am beginning to understand that that fact is NOT  
selfish.  I used to think that having needs of my own meant I was being selfish.  But what I am finding is that NOT taking care of myself is selfish because then I am unable to be there and care for my family because then I am frustrated and angry and overly emotional.  When I take time to take care of myself, exercise, eat right, take vitamins, shower, try to look nice, REST when needed and most importantly pray and spend time with God, I am not being selfish because I am putting myself in a mindset, physically and mentally where I am more patient, feel better, and can deal with situations in a better manner than I would if I didn't take the time to care for myself.

Yeah, I'm sure any of you reading this have probably heard it all before.  But my intent is not to preach or teach anything.  I'm just writing what I learn and how it affects my life mostly as a reminder to myself that I am learning and I am changing.  Once again though, I will be the first to admit that even with everything I learn and am learning, I don't always adhere to it.  Sometimes I still tend to forget all of the above.  Sometimes I tend to let life get the best of me.  But then I am also learning that every morning is brand new!  It's fresh, like a blank sheet of paper.  There is nothing written on it yet and I can choose to continue my bad day or I can look forward to the next day knowing I can start over.

My challenges of late are trying me a little more than they have for the past few months.  Yesterday the brakes went out on our car.  Yesterday my kitchen sink started to leak all over the floor.  Yesterday I was exhausted from getting very little sleep due to dealing with a sick child and a sick husband, the child was vomiting all night and the husband was snoring more loudly than normal due to congestion.  Yesterday I made the decision that since my husband was home in the morning and I wouldn't be driving the car to exercise double the amount of time I normally would.  A decision I now regret, since I did it on a day that I had had maybe 2 hours of sleep if even that!  You see my focus was off.  I got more focused on losing weight and doing that, than keeping my focus on God and being balanced and because of that my body decided enough was enough!

My weariness is coming from challenges with my children.  My oldest two children are boys and both of them are diagnosed with ADHD.  One of them is also diagnosed with depressive disorder, and the other one of them is diagnosed with ODD.  For anyone who does not know what ODD is here is the definition: 

"Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ODD for short is a childhood mental disorder characterized by a pattern of disobedient, hostile and defiant behavior towards authority figures. To fit the diagnosis, the behavior must persist for more than six months and occur more often than might be expected for the child's age or development stage, as some oppositional behavior is to be expected as the child grows.

A child with ODD loses his temper easily and frequently, argues and is deliberately annoying, blames others for his mistakes etc".  

This is what I deal with on a day to day basis, but add ADHD into the mix and another child with ADHD and depressive disorder and sometimes the challenges of my life are more than I can handle.  The one is constantly annoying and picking on the other to which the other responds with name calling, hitting, yelling screaming, then all out war follows with pounding on walls, knocking down chairs, throwing stuff etc.  I am not saying that it's all always bad, but sometimes it is much worse than others.  And there is still question whether or not my ODD child has bi-polar disorder also.  

Being honest about disorders like this is hard sometimes because just like depression, there is a lot of misunderstanding.  You hear a lot of talk about parenting and while I admit I have made HUGE mistakes in that area it's not all about parenting.  Even with the improvements I have made in my parenting, even with the change in attitude in myself and praying and asking for more wisdom and strength and compassion, which the Lord has answered and given me in spades, it is still a daily struggle.  We tend to go through mood swings frequently.  

In the past couple of weeks alone I have dealt with having my child put in ISS, (requesting it myself due to an agreement I had with teachers/my child and the principal) shoplifting, lying, missing curfew, fighting, name calling, misbehavior on the bus, refusal to take medication, temper tantrums with chairs being knocked over, beating on walls, and constant bossiness and subsequent fighting.  

Why is it so hard?  Because with these disorders you can look at your child and see a perfectly normal healthy looking child.  They have days in which they are so loving and affectionate and caring. You hear and see them go above and beyond in some things and you forget.  Then their mood swings or you forget meds for a day and behaviors change, and you still forget.  At least I do.  I forget that with ADHD there isn't a filter on what comes out of their mouths all of the time and if there is, it's because they have to work extremely hard to control what they say.  I tend to forget that as my son's main authority figure we are going to go head to head more often than is normal. I am learning to quickly remove myself from the situation because anything else causes further argument but I forget to do that also.  Praise God that I have so much more control over my own temper, even though I am not perfect, I am much improved and that helps a lot!

But I look at my children and they are so smart and have so much potential and sometimes it's hard to remember and accept the fact that this will be life long for them, for us.  I forget and admit that sometimes resent that I have to work doubly hard and will for a long time.  But they're my kids and I love them!!  They take a piece of me with them every time they leave. And I believe it's my job to raise Godly, responsible adults no matter what problems they have.  

How do I know that my kids have not been misdiagnosed?  How can I go along with all the meds and therapies and groups?  For one, when our boys were little, everywhere we went we were complimented on how well-mannered and well-behaved they were.  From the time they were old enough my husband and I worked on manners and respect and what we expected of them.  We didn't have any problems.  But once they entered school and couldn't sit still, stay in their chairs, were jittery, nervous, threw objects, were physically aggressive and behaved in ways that we had never seen before we knew there were problems. For two, there is a history of mental illness in my family, not to mention my own depressive disorder and on my husband's side there is ADHD.  We have tried alternatives, like diet and some homeopathic remedies, but their behavior just got worse.  They only started getting better once we got them in a program that worked with their social skills, behavior, self-control and got them on medications.  Granted it took some trial and error, but when a medication works, it WORKS.  And when it doesn't, it really doesn't.  

We have been fortunate to have had everything more or less under control for about a year now.  But we are in a touchy phase.  And I admit the stress has gotten to me the last couple of days.  But I am learning to be grateful for it all.  Because it forces me to rely on God.  It forces me to remember where my focus really needs to be at ALL times, because since I am human, and as much as I am learning and as much as I am falling in love with God, I still tend to have days where I forget to focus on Him.  These issues remind me that He is the only way I can live this life because I have seen proof, I have seen answers to prayer, I have seen how when I am covering them in prayer daily how their behavior issues are so much less!  I have lived in darkness and I know that on my own I am powerless to fight the battle. I may have bad days, but I have peace in my heart that has never been there before, I have joy that is rooted deep within me that I never knew.  I may find myself going down or getting depressed but I am never in darkness anymore and I am never alone. I am accepting the fact that I may make mistakes and have faults, but those mistakes and faults don't define me.  Who I am in Christ Jesus defines me.  And that gives me hope.  When you live a life in darkness and believe all of the lies that depression feeds you there is no hope.  But when you choose to live a life in Christ and believe His words are your truth, then there is hope.  I know this, because I have lived it.  I continue to live it every day.  Sometimes it's a minute by minute process.  But it's my life and I don't want to ever look back. With that hope, peace and joy that I have found, I hope to help my children.  I can not make their decisions for them, but I can love them, change myself, pray for them and trust in God to help them.  As my faith deepens and my trust and love for Him grows, I can and will entrust them more and more to Him.  I can rely on Him for strength and wisdom, courage and compassion and know that He will answer me.  Because He already has. 

Psalms 62:5 NIV

     Yes, my soul, find rest in God:

My hope comes from Him.   

Colossians 1:13 NIV

     For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves,