There have been a few times in the past since my last post that I thought that maybe I should take the time to write something down, or I have had thoughts on my head that I thought would be important enough to remember, but then I always decided against it, for whatever that reason would be.
Life, so full of ups and downs, so full of defeat, failures with the occasional win. Life when you have kids can seem so out of control at times that it feels like you are barely hanging on to the roller coaster that is going 4 different directions at once. Life, when you live and battle this disease called depression can be so overwhelming at times that you can't see anything but the darkest parts of what is happening around you. The days where you struggle just to get out of bed. The days where the kids are behaving badly and you have to, you just have to get up and get moving and deal with it. The days when life is going fine, and yet the darkness is still there and you just can't explain why the deep sadness is there and so you feel there is no fight left in you, all you can see are your failures, your losses, and the world is black and white.
This has been the balance of my life for as long as I can remember. I knew that there was something "wrong" with me at a very early age, it was just so hard for me to be happy and I was in such deep emotional pain that during the teen years I would not have been able to explain it.
Yes, life has it's ups and downs, but for the person who lives day in and day out fighting depression it's more like going from Mt. Everest to the Dead Sea in a day and sometimes for no explainable reason than that is just what is.
Depression eats at you. It finds and points out all of the very worst things about yourself and multiplies them by hundreds and thousands. It alienates you and the loneliness it leaves you with makes you hide, because your depression separates you from the norm and you find yourself unacceptable.
Ok...so if anyone is reading this, you get the idea. My life has been a series of bouts of depressions, some worse than others, but at some point in time a bout always shows up. But I have been learning, using my depression to learn how to fight it.
When I was first officially diagnosed, after my fourth child was born and I was started on medication, it was amazing. It's like I went from living in a black and white world, you know, like the old t.v. shows, to living in HD color. Life had meaning again, I had purpose again, I could see light, and a future. I wasn't some terrible life form who was destroying my life and bringing those down around with me. I started to feel beautiful.
But then the depression would come back again, which at some point it always does, even with medication, and even with working to find the perfect doses. Medication can work miracles, if you have chemical depression, but it's not perfect. But there is one who is.
I have found the perfect medicine to fight my depression, and even in those times when I am holding the tiniest piece of thread by one pinkie finger, I know that "this too shall pass" and once again I will find myself out of the pit, out of the darkness and into the light. And I have hope.
My perfect medication is my hope in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. There is no other way around it. And in my darkest hour I will cling to it with my whole being, or at least I will try.
You see, when you live with and battle depression, finding friends and keeping them is extremely hard. Depression breeds insecurity and negativity.
And when you live with those two characteristics in your life, people run from you like you are wearing a neon sign.
I was reading a book some years ago that said if you are depressed that it is a choice you have made, and you can choose to change it. Boy, that made me mad. I now see it as at least partial truth. Because there is ONE choice you can make, when you are down in that pit, or you are drowning in dark seas that are pulling you under, and that is to hold onto your faith in Jesus, and the fact that He LOVES you. Depression may be a disease for some of us, but even though it is a disease it is the perfect one for Satan to use against us, but even if it is the smallest piece of yourself that you can think of believing in, breathing in the truth of God's love for you, than you know that this bout of depression will pass. But it takes action. You choose to fight it. When it is chemical, and you can not control it...you CHOOSE to fight it.
My choices are, my prayer journal. I love my prayer journal. I can not live without my prayer journal, believe me I have tried. Unless you know another person who wants to admit, or talk about or share that they live on a day to day basis fighting the battle of chemical depression, than there is no one else on earth who will be able to understand what it is like. When you have been fine and life has been moving along like normal, (really, what is normal?) and then you wake up one day and the darkness has come...no one here can understand or sympathize. So what do you do? Sometimes you live with it, you soak it in, because this is how you have learned to identify yourself, or you don't, you get to that point where you are so sick of yourself that you decide, and you choose to fight. I cry out to the Lord. Just like David. I cry out to the Lord and I pour out my pain and my confusion of why my life has to be this way. And he answers me every time. It may not be as soon as I want it to be. It may take some effort on my part, but in the end it's like I have been stuck in a pit and He reaches his hand out to me and HELPS me climb out so that each time another bout of darkness comes my way, reaching up to Him comes more easily and more natural than the time before. And each bout of depression and darkness comes less frequently and lasts a little less, as long as I make the right choices.
I find Godly mentors and I make an effort to learn from them. There are so many bloggers out there who love the Lord, and so many Bible teachers and videos and books, that I have learned to rely on these tools. Lysa Terkeurst, Jenn Hatmaker, Beth Moore, Kasey Van Norman to name a few of my favorites. The apostle Paul. King David. My Bible.
Am I perfect about keeping this fight going on? No. There are days when I struggle with maintaining any kind of function, to not just blurt all the negative and bad feelings I have over the internet (and I fail sometimes)...(oh, and I usually hear about it)...but when I find I am at the end of myself I turn once again to my Savior, knowing that if I had done it one day, one moment earlier...
So I choose to fight. I choose to believe in my Lord and my God, and I will love Him with all of my heart even when I am in the darkness and can't understand why. But especially because I have children. I have seen how my depression and my other sin has corrupted and hurt them. And now....I have at least 2 of them who are starting this battle themselves, and I have to be the one to show them how to fight it. I have to accept that for me, this is my life. But I also have to accept and choose to be in the battle. Whether it's on my knees crying out to God or making sure that I am taking my medication or getting new medication if the old doesn't work. This is my fight. This is my battle, and this is my life. I am determined to find a way so that the darkness does not overtake my children, and that they will know how to deal with it when it comes.
Will I write again on this blog? I don't know, I hope so. If I disappear, know I am fighting the battle...or I'm just raising four children. But I leave you for now....with Zeph 3:17.
The Lord Your God is with you,
The mighty warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you,
In His love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
I am writing it from memory, I hope it is correct...I dwell on this verse enough...Until next time.
