Issues

Today is a day..."one of those days" as we like to say.  Although nothing particular has actually happened to make it that way, spiritually...today is "one of those days". I woke up, excited, knowing that I was getting back to my journey of living my life with Jesus, and I listened to one of my studies, and I read a chapter in the book, and I started to write in my prayer journal....and instead of having a wonderful communion time with my Lord, I found myself fighting my demons and all of my issues and being angry.

Today is a day in which all of my issues are drowning out my ability to communicate with my Lord.

Today, I feel like a failure.

Today, I feel worthless.

Today, I feel like I will never be able to get back to that relationship with my Father.  That relationship where I don't just believe IN Him, but the relationship where I believe HIM.  It is the place where He speaks the truth of who I am in my ear, and it brings joy and hope to my heart.  It is the place where all of the pain and the rejection of my past is wiped away and I can see the beauty of life, despite my shortcomings and failures.  It is the place where I am accepted and loved, and everything I do comes out of that acceptance and love.

Today, I am not there.....though I long to be.

Today, my issues are bigger than my faith.

But to me?  That's o.k....

Why?  Because my God is bigger than my issues.

So what do I do?

I take my pain to Him.  I tell Him my hurts, why I feel the way I do.

And He listens. And His Presence is there all around me, just listening.

And I feel a peace start to surround me, as if He is telling me it's o.k.

This is our process, this is me telling Him all the reasons why He should not love me,

Why He should not accept me,

And this is Him, listening to my pain,

Holding His arms out to me,

Reaching to envelope me in His perfect mercy and love,

Bringing me back to Him.

This is the beauty of Christ and His redemption.  The times when I have forgotten Him, and tried to do it on my own, and I fall and end up bruised and hurt, and He is there, with tears in His eyes, saying "It's o.k." as He reaches to pick me up, wrap me in His arms and carry me, until I am strong enough to walk beside Him again.