Today is a day..."one of those days" as we like to say. Although nothing particular has actually happened to make it that way, spiritually...today is "one of those days". I woke up, excited, knowing that I was getting back to my journey of living my life with Jesus, and I listened to one of my studies, and I read a chapter in the book, and I started to write in my prayer journal....and instead of having a wonderful communion time with my Lord, I found myself fighting my demons and all of my issues and being angry.
Today is a day in which all of my issues are drowning out my ability to communicate with my Lord.
Today, I feel like a failure.
Today, I feel worthless.
Today, I feel like I will never be able to get back to that relationship with my Father. That relationship where I don't just believe IN Him, but the relationship where I believe HIM. It is the place where He speaks the truth of who I am in my ear, and it brings joy and hope to my heart. It is the place where all of the pain and the rejection of my past is wiped away and I can see the beauty of life, despite my shortcomings and failures. It is the place where I am accepted and loved, and everything I do comes out of that acceptance and love.
Today, I am not there.....though I long to be.
Today, my issues are bigger than my faith.
But to me? That's o.k....
Why? Because my God is bigger than my issues.
So what do I do?
I take my pain to Him. I tell Him my hurts, why I feel the way I do.
And He listens. And His Presence is there all around me, just listening.
And I feel a peace start to surround me, as if He is telling me it's o.k.
This is our process, this is me telling Him all the reasons why He should not love me,
Why He should not accept me,
And this is Him, listening to my pain,
Holding His arms out to me,
Reaching to envelope me in His perfect mercy and love,
Bringing me back to Him.
This is the beauty of Christ and His redemption. The times when I have forgotten Him, and tried to do it on my own, and I fall and end up bruised and hurt, and He is there, with tears in His eyes, saying "It's o.k." as He reaches to pick me up, wrap me in His arms and carry me, until I am strong enough to walk beside Him again.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Truths
This year has been a year of many challenges, a few triumphs, and a lot of ups and downs. When 2014 started I was excited because one of my main goals of the year was to work on my relationship with Jesus and to become a completely committed follower of Him, stronger in my faith and to have a life that was miraculously changed for Him.
I admit, that in my endeavor, there have been more failures than successes, and while I sit here wondering, chastising even, how I could have done things differently, done things better, I know in my heart that there are only 2 reasons why I have failed in specific areas in which I could have succeeded, or...at least done better. The first reason being...I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that fact! Not only accepting the fact that I am human and therefore flawed...but not beating myself up for it. The second reason for my failures is quite simply, I put my trust in humanity, (my own and others) instead of my Jesus's sovereignty. Truth hurts. Writing that sentence hurt. I have allowed myself to become so blinded by my humanity, my mistakes, my own self-hatred for my failures, or what I perceive my failures to be, and everything else that life has thrown at me, that I have forgotten who I truly am, which is a child of the one true, living God, and that I am saved and I am redeemed.
I have gone from one end of the spectrum of faith to the other, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, my spiritual highs being incredible, revealing to me wondrous things about God and His love for me, a place where I promise myself to never leave or let go of... to falling into valleys filled with darkness and self-condemnation so deep that I do not think that I will recover. It is a place where shame and guilt plague me day and night, where memories of the past, and mistakes of the present eat away at my soul threatening to bring me to a point where there is no return to the God of my salvation, and strength. The God that I have found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with.
But how does this happen? How can I go from one extreme to another knowing that when I am walking with Jesus, I actually can stand myself, and maybe even like myself, but when I am not...I definitely don't? Why do I fall? Why do I fail so much and so often?
Truth hurts, is hard to admit and while I may not see it in the midst of circumstances I know the answer to these questions also.
I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.
If I am quite honest with myself, with no excuses, the answer to those questions lies in that one sentence.
I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.
It might start as just a little thing..."God, I'm tired today, please forgive me as I choose to nap instead of spending time with You." "I can't believe what is happening today, I am too mad and upset to sit here and spend time with You, God", to one of the worst "God, I don't understand how You could let this happen...I don't want to talk to You!"
Then we all know how it goes,
one day turns into two,
two turns into three,
so forth and so on,
until it is just too easy to let life happen,
to let life block out what should be my biggest priority...
my life with Christ
Every person's journey with Christ is different. Every person's spiritual need is different. I know that my needs, spiritually, are probably much more than what the average person needs on a daily basis. I know that because of my past, because of issues that have scarred me deeply from my childhood, that in order for me to be "spiritually healthy" and therefore mentally and emotionally healthy, that I need to be in the Word, that I need to be on my knees EVERY DAY. I know that my relationship with the Father, and my relationship with my Jesus has to be daily, WITHOUT FAIL, otherwise I will find myself, sooner than later, back in a valley.
I guess that is what this blog is...
My own spiritual journey with Christ. What I am learning, how I live my life. My record of growth and failures, triumphs and mistakes...
The life of a simple woman, wife, mother, Jesus lover...just trying to make it, to grow in faith and live for Jesus in a world that is difficult and messy, and wonderful and beautiful all at the same time.
It is my Simple View.
I admit, that in my endeavor, there have been more failures than successes, and while I sit here wondering, chastising even, how I could have done things differently, done things better, I know in my heart that there are only 2 reasons why I have failed in specific areas in which I could have succeeded, or...at least done better. The first reason being...I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that fact! Not only accepting the fact that I am human and therefore flawed...but not beating myself up for it. The second reason for my failures is quite simply, I put my trust in humanity, (my own and others) instead of my Jesus's sovereignty. Truth hurts. Writing that sentence hurt. I have allowed myself to become so blinded by my humanity, my mistakes, my own self-hatred for my failures, or what I perceive my failures to be, and everything else that life has thrown at me, that I have forgotten who I truly am, which is a child of the one true, living God, and that I am saved and I am redeemed.
I have gone from one end of the spectrum of faith to the other, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, my spiritual highs being incredible, revealing to me wondrous things about God and His love for me, a place where I promise myself to never leave or let go of... to falling into valleys filled with darkness and self-condemnation so deep that I do not think that I will recover. It is a place where shame and guilt plague me day and night, where memories of the past, and mistakes of the present eat away at my soul threatening to bring me to a point where there is no return to the God of my salvation, and strength. The God that I have found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with.
But how does this happen? How can I go from one extreme to another knowing that when I am walking with Jesus, I actually can stand myself, and maybe even like myself, but when I am not...I definitely don't? Why do I fall? Why do I fail so much and so often?
Truth hurts, is hard to admit and while I may not see it in the midst of circumstances I know the answer to these questions also.
I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.
If I am quite honest with myself, with no excuses, the answer to those questions lies in that one sentence.
I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.
It might start as just a little thing..."God, I'm tired today, please forgive me as I choose to nap instead of spending time with You." "I can't believe what is happening today, I am too mad and upset to sit here and spend time with You, God", to one of the worst "God, I don't understand how You could let this happen...I don't want to talk to You!"
Then we all know how it goes,
one day turns into two,
two turns into three,
so forth and so on,
until it is just too easy to let life happen,
to let life block out what should be my biggest priority...
my life with Christ
Every person's journey with Christ is different. Every person's spiritual need is different. I know that my needs, spiritually, are probably much more than what the average person needs on a daily basis. I know that because of my past, because of issues that have scarred me deeply from my childhood, that in order for me to be "spiritually healthy" and therefore mentally and emotionally healthy, that I need to be in the Word, that I need to be on my knees EVERY DAY. I know that my relationship with the Father, and my relationship with my Jesus has to be daily, WITHOUT FAIL, otherwise I will find myself, sooner than later, back in a valley.
I guess that is what this blog is...
My own spiritual journey with Christ. What I am learning, how I live my life. My record of growth and failures, triumphs and mistakes...
The life of a simple woman, wife, mother, Jesus lover...just trying to make it, to grow in faith and live for Jesus in a world that is difficult and messy, and wonderful and beautiful all at the same time.
It is my Simple View.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
So once again I have fallen off of my blogging train. I had been so excited to start this blog, but as with so many things in my life that I start, I ended up not sticking with it. In fact, if I am totally honest, I am not even sure what I intended this blog to be. I think that that might be partly the reason that I have not kept up with it. I think, in fact, that I let my indecisiveness for what I wanted this blog to be, shut me down. I ended up thinking about who I wanted to portray myself as, or what other people's expectations of me were, how open and honest did I really want to be, did I want to write about one type of subject matter (such as cooking, or soap making, or Bible study), or what. I think about if my blog is a place where I want to vent my feelings, and then again realize that venting my feelings is what tends to get me into trouble with other people...so then my blog turns into me worrying more about what what other people are going to think than what I am thinking or feeling...so then I stop writing.
Here is where I am this morning. It's my blog. I should be able to say/write anything on it. Whether people choose to read it, is up to them. If they choose to judge me, that is on them, not me. Do I have a standard to uphold? I believe so, yes. At the same time, I don't want to get stuck into portraying myself as someone that I am not. That being said.....
This morning is December 27, 2014. I don't know why I felt the need to put the date down, except to say that perhaps I feel like I needed a new start, or I wanted to mark the day as important for my own reasons.
I am going to introduce myself, something I have not done before, but feel the need to do so today. My name is Alicia Gilbert, and I am 39 years old, a stay at home mom to 4 children, a wife to Rick Gilbert, and a lover of Jesus. This is who I am, and this is who I have been for a long time, except for the lover of Jesus part. That part is relatively new. However, that is a story for another day.
Aside from being a stay at home mom to 4 children, I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, and now....diabetes. I feel that if anyone wants to know who I am, that those are important things to know because they affect me, they affect my daily life and my responses to situations and circumstances.
I have 4 children. My 2 oldest boys who are 12 and 13, were both diagnosed with ADHD, and ODD at very early ages. My 13 year old was diagnosed as bipolar at the beginning of this year. I have a 10 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with ADD and anxiety this year. Then my youngest son, who just turned 8 yesterday, is at this time fine. He tends to get a little hyper sometimes, but other than that, he is fine.
Now you know about me. Now you can possibly begin to understand some of the challenges I face on a daily basis. Now, you can start to see my life's journey, if you care to. Aaaand that being said.....
Why am I writing today? I suppose it is just because I feel like it. Usually when I write on this blog it is because I feel led to write about something that I feel strongly about, or something that I have learned or been inspired about that I long to share. Today, I feel the need to start something, a journey perhaps. Today I feel the need to make a change, to take hold of my life and start living.
I have been in a not so good place as of late....no, let me be quite honest, I have been in a bad place lately. A bad place, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe that whether most people let you know it or not, that that does happen to most people, but we are so blatantly trained to not let our weaknesses show, to not let people know we are struggling, when we are drowning in things that are just too much and too big for us to comprehend, that instead of reaching out for help, or being honest at least, that we paint ourselves another mask, slip it on, and go on pretending that life is fine, life is good, life is perfect, when in reality, it's not. I used to be so good at that game, but I am not anymore.
So the journey begins...
This would seem to be the place to end this entry and begin another one, however, I have gone back through some of my old entries and discovered some drafts that I had not published before. I am amazed at the differences time and circumstances make in my writings. I will be working on some of these unfinished drafts and posting them soon.
I really hope to keep up this journey. I hope to start writing more instead of less. I hope to be open and honest about my circumstances and my reactions to life, and I hope to change and grow. I always hope to learn, to change and grow. That my friends, is what life is about.
Here is where I am this morning. It's my blog. I should be able to say/write anything on it. Whether people choose to read it, is up to them. If they choose to judge me, that is on them, not me. Do I have a standard to uphold? I believe so, yes. At the same time, I don't want to get stuck into portraying myself as someone that I am not. That being said.....
This morning is December 27, 2014. I don't know why I felt the need to put the date down, except to say that perhaps I feel like I needed a new start, or I wanted to mark the day as important for my own reasons.
I am going to introduce myself, something I have not done before, but feel the need to do so today. My name is Alicia Gilbert, and I am 39 years old, a stay at home mom to 4 children, a wife to Rick Gilbert, and a lover of Jesus. This is who I am, and this is who I have been for a long time, except for the lover of Jesus part. That part is relatively new. However, that is a story for another day.
Aside from being a stay at home mom to 4 children, I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, and now....diabetes. I feel that if anyone wants to know who I am, that those are important things to know because they affect me, they affect my daily life and my responses to situations and circumstances.
I have 4 children. My 2 oldest boys who are 12 and 13, were both diagnosed with ADHD, and ODD at very early ages. My 13 year old was diagnosed as bipolar at the beginning of this year. I have a 10 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with ADD and anxiety this year. Then my youngest son, who just turned 8 yesterday, is at this time fine. He tends to get a little hyper sometimes, but other than that, he is fine.
Now you know about me. Now you can possibly begin to understand some of the challenges I face on a daily basis. Now, you can start to see my life's journey, if you care to. Aaaand that being said.....
Why am I writing today? I suppose it is just because I feel like it. Usually when I write on this blog it is because I feel led to write about something that I feel strongly about, or something that I have learned or been inspired about that I long to share. Today, I feel the need to start something, a journey perhaps. Today I feel the need to make a change, to take hold of my life and start living.
I have been in a not so good place as of late....no, let me be quite honest, I have been in a bad place lately. A bad place, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe that whether most people let you know it or not, that that does happen to most people, but we are so blatantly trained to not let our weaknesses show, to not let people know we are struggling, when we are drowning in things that are just too much and too big for us to comprehend, that instead of reaching out for help, or being honest at least, that we paint ourselves another mask, slip it on, and go on pretending that life is fine, life is good, life is perfect, when in reality, it's not. I used to be so good at that game, but I am not anymore.
So the journey begins...
This would seem to be the place to end this entry and begin another one, however, I have gone back through some of my old entries and discovered some drafts that I had not published before. I am amazed at the differences time and circumstances make in my writings. I will be working on some of these unfinished drafts and posting them soon.
I really hope to keep up this journey. I hope to start writing more instead of less. I hope to be open and honest about my circumstances and my reactions to life, and I hope to change and grow. I always hope to learn, to change and grow. That my friends, is what life is about.
Saturday, August 09, 2014
Questions and Deep Thoughts
Today, I feel in the mood to write, to express the thoughts that are tumbling around in my head and on my heart. I'm not a great person, or a really important person. I am a stay at home mom to 4 kids who most of the time feels like I am getting it wrong. Over the last 4 years, my life has changed, a lot. I am nowhere near where I want to be or who I want to be, but I do know that I never want to go back to who I was before. God has changed me, prayer has changed me, worship has changed me. There are days when I am clinging to that by the last strand of a thread, when my faith is weak and my emotions outweigh my belief in the truth. I make mistakes, I sin.
I have been studying and listening to Named By God, by Kasey Van Norman, and I love how she says that in her deepest sin, she still loves the Lord with all her heart. I understand how that feels and I relate to that. Through all of my mistakes, through all of my sin, all of my darkness, I love the Lord Jesus with all that I am. But I have found myself questioning the strength of my faith.
I recently watched the movie Monumental with Kirk Cameron who delved into the history of how our country really began. How after many failed attempts and capture, loss and separation of families, the pilgrims pressed on to come to America so they could follow Christ. I found the movie and the history quite captivating and I really started to wonder if my faith were that strong.
Lately, I have been reading about what is going on in Iraq with ISIS. The beheading of the children of believers. The crucifixion of adult believers. People having to flee in terror all because they follow Christ. And I question myself. I love the Lord. I have seen the evidence of my life of when I am following Jesus and walking with Him and when I am not. But what if I were called to give up my life because I say I believe in Him, not only believe in Him, but desire to follow Him in every way? What if I were called to give up my child to a gruesome and merciless death because I love Jesus? Is my faith that strong? Among the believers in America is their faith THAT strong? We are a country that was built on faith, and for the right to worship. And yet I think we forget, that no matter how hard our struggles may seem at times, we have it easy as Christians here in this country. My heart is breaking for these fellow believers in Christ who have given up everything to follow Him. And our country has yet to offer any of these people asylum, while other countries have stepped up. A country built for religious freedom has failed to offer safety to people who are being tortured and killed for their beliefs. It is heartbreaking.
I would love to say that if I were put in that position that I would stand strong and profess my faith in Christ. I would love to say that as broken as it would make me, that I would survive and still trust in God if I were forced to give up one,or even all of my children to death for Jesus. But would I? If I were in the face of death, would I really stand up for my faith?
That is exactly what God has done for me. God, the Father, the parent, gave up His son, and watched Him go through one of the most horrible deaths, created for the most disdained......for ME!!!
I can't claim to know any of these people personally, or what their personal walk with Jesus is like, but it must be something if they are standing up for what they believe in the face of death. And here I am frustrated because I can't find a job, and rent has to be paid, and school supplies must be bought. Compared to what is happening in other places in the world, it seems so, trivial. Maybe this is my refining flame. Maybe this is what God is using to shape me and mold me into who he really created me to be. The future is unclear. Who knows what is going to happen within our country in the next 10, or 20 years. Is it possible that we believers might find ourselves in the same situation that is going on in Iraq? How soon will the day come when sitting down and praying before a meal in public is no longer applauded or even acceptable? How soon will the day come when we can no longer publicly carry a Bible or say the name of Jesus? I desperately hope and pray that it will not be in my lifetime or my children's lifetime, or even my unborn grandchildren's lifetime. But as for me.....I want my faith to be THAT strong. I want to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I WILL stand up and proclaim my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, no matter what the consequences may be. I do not want to live complacently. I have a lot of growing to do. I have a lot to learn. I know that the only way any of that is going to happen is by clinging onto Jesus and staying by His side, even though I fail Him every day. Through His power and strength I can only get better.
I have been studying and listening to Named By God, by Kasey Van Norman, and I love how she says that in her deepest sin, she still loves the Lord with all her heart. I understand how that feels and I relate to that. Through all of my mistakes, through all of my sin, all of my darkness, I love the Lord Jesus with all that I am. But I have found myself questioning the strength of my faith.
I recently watched the movie Monumental with Kirk Cameron who delved into the history of how our country really began. How after many failed attempts and capture, loss and separation of families, the pilgrims pressed on to come to America so they could follow Christ. I found the movie and the history quite captivating and I really started to wonder if my faith were that strong.
Lately, I have been reading about what is going on in Iraq with ISIS. The beheading of the children of believers. The crucifixion of adult believers. People having to flee in terror all because they follow Christ. And I question myself. I love the Lord. I have seen the evidence of my life of when I am following Jesus and walking with Him and when I am not. But what if I were called to give up my life because I say I believe in Him, not only believe in Him, but desire to follow Him in every way? What if I were called to give up my child to a gruesome and merciless death because I love Jesus? Is my faith that strong? Among the believers in America is their faith THAT strong? We are a country that was built on faith, and for the right to worship. And yet I think we forget, that no matter how hard our struggles may seem at times, we have it easy as Christians here in this country. My heart is breaking for these fellow believers in Christ who have given up everything to follow Him. And our country has yet to offer any of these people asylum, while other countries have stepped up. A country built for religious freedom has failed to offer safety to people who are being tortured and killed for their beliefs. It is heartbreaking.
I would love to say that if I were put in that position that I would stand strong and profess my faith in Christ. I would love to say that as broken as it would make me, that I would survive and still trust in God if I were forced to give up one,or even all of my children to death for Jesus. But would I? If I were in the face of death, would I really stand up for my faith?
That is exactly what God has done for me. God, the Father, the parent, gave up His son, and watched Him go through one of the most horrible deaths, created for the most disdained......for ME!!!
I can't claim to know any of these people personally, or what their personal walk with Jesus is like, but it must be something if they are standing up for what they believe in the face of death. And here I am frustrated because I can't find a job, and rent has to be paid, and school supplies must be bought. Compared to what is happening in other places in the world, it seems so, trivial. Maybe this is my refining flame. Maybe this is what God is using to shape me and mold me into who he really created me to be. The future is unclear. Who knows what is going to happen within our country in the next 10, or 20 years. Is it possible that we believers might find ourselves in the same situation that is going on in Iraq? How soon will the day come when sitting down and praying before a meal in public is no longer applauded or even acceptable? How soon will the day come when we can no longer publicly carry a Bible or say the name of Jesus? I desperately hope and pray that it will not be in my lifetime or my children's lifetime, or even my unborn grandchildren's lifetime. But as for me.....I want my faith to be THAT strong. I want to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I WILL stand up and proclaim my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, no matter what the consequences may be. I do not want to live complacently. I have a lot of growing to do. I have a lot to learn. I know that the only way any of that is going to happen is by clinging onto Jesus and staying by His side, even though I fail Him every day. Through His power and strength I can only get better.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Life, Musings, Truths
I don't know how long it has been since my last posting. I haven't even bothered to look, not that I don't think it is important...well, maybe it's not.
There have been a few times in the past since my last post that I thought that maybe I should take the time to write something down, or I have had thoughts on my head that I thought would be important enough to remember, but then I always decided against it, for whatever that reason would be.
Life, so full of ups and downs, so full of defeat, failures with the occasional win. Life when you have kids can seem so out of control at times that it feels like you are barely hanging on to the roller coaster that is going 4 different directions at once. Life, when you live and battle this disease called depression can be so overwhelming at times that you can't see anything but the darkest parts of what is happening around you. The days where you struggle just to get out of bed. The days where the kids are behaving badly and you have to, you just have to get up and get moving and deal with it. The days when life is going fine, and yet the darkness is still there and you just can't explain why the deep sadness is there and so you feel there is no fight left in you, all you can see are your failures, your losses, and the world is black and white.
This has been the balance of my life for as long as I can remember. I knew that there was something "wrong" with me at a very early age, it was just so hard for me to be happy and I was in such deep emotional pain that during the teen years I would not have been able to explain it.
Yes, life has it's ups and downs, but for the person who lives day in and day out fighting depression it's more like going from Mt. Everest to the Dead Sea in a day and sometimes for no explainable reason than that is just what is.
Depression eats at you. It finds and points out all of the very worst things about yourself and multiplies them by hundreds and thousands. It alienates you and the loneliness it leaves you with makes you hide, because your depression separates you from the norm and you find yourself unacceptable.
Ok...so if anyone is reading this, you get the idea. My life has been a series of bouts of depressions, some worse than others, but at some point in time a bout always shows up. But I have been learning, using my depression to learn how to fight it.
When I was first officially diagnosed, after my fourth child was born and I was started on medication, it was amazing. It's like I went from living in a black and white world, you know, like the old t.v. shows, to living in HD color. Life had meaning again, I had purpose again, I could see light, and a future. I wasn't some terrible life form who was destroying my life and bringing those down around with me. I started to feel beautiful.
But then the depression would come back again, which at some point it always does, even with medication, and even with working to find the perfect doses. Medication can work miracles, if you have chemical depression, but it's not perfect. But there is one who is.
I have found the perfect medicine to fight my depression, and even in those times when I am holding the tiniest piece of thread by one pinkie finger, I know that "this too shall pass" and once again I will find myself out of the pit, out of the darkness and into the light. And I have hope.
My perfect medication is my hope in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. There is no other way around it. And in my darkest hour I will cling to it with my whole being, or at least I will try.
You see, when you live with and battle depression, finding friends and keeping them is extremely hard. Depression breeds insecurity and negativity.
And when you live with those two characteristics in your life, people run from you like you are wearing a neon sign.
I was reading a book some years ago that said if you are depressed that it is a choice you have made, and you can choose to change it. Boy, that made me mad. I now see it as at least partial truth. Because there is ONE choice you can make, when you are down in that pit, or you are drowning in dark seas that are pulling you under, and that is to hold onto your faith in Jesus, and the fact that He LOVES you. Depression may be a disease for some of us, but even though it is a disease it is the perfect one for Satan to use against us, but even if it is the smallest piece of yourself that you can think of believing in, breathing in the truth of God's love for you, than you know that this bout of depression will pass. But it takes action. You choose to fight it. When it is chemical, and you can not control it...you CHOOSE to fight it.
My choices are, my prayer journal. I love my prayer journal. I can not live without my prayer journal, believe me I have tried. Unless you know another person who wants to admit, or talk about or share that they live on a day to day basis fighting the battle of chemical depression, than there is no one else on earth who will be able to understand what it is like. When you have been fine and life has been moving along like normal, (really, what is normal?) and then you wake up one day and the darkness has come...no one here can understand or sympathize. So what do you do? Sometimes you live with it, you soak it in, because this is how you have learned to identify yourself, or you don't, you get to that point where you are so sick of yourself that you decide, and you choose to fight. I cry out to the Lord. Just like David. I cry out to the Lord and I pour out my pain and my confusion of why my life has to be this way. And he answers me every time. It may not be as soon as I want it to be. It may take some effort on my part, but in the end it's like I have been stuck in a pit and He reaches his hand out to me and HELPS me climb out so that each time another bout of darkness comes my way, reaching up to Him comes more easily and more natural than the time before. And each bout of depression and darkness comes less frequently and lasts a little less, as long as I make the right choices.
I find Godly mentors and I make an effort to learn from them. There are so many bloggers out there who love the Lord, and so many Bible teachers and videos and books, that I have learned to rely on these tools. Lysa Terkeurst, Jenn Hatmaker, Beth Moore, Kasey Van Norman to name a few of my favorites. The apostle Paul. King David. My Bible.
Am I perfect about keeping this fight going on? No. There are days when I struggle with maintaining any kind of function, to not just blurt all the negative and bad feelings I have over the internet (and I fail sometimes)...(oh, and I usually hear about it)...but when I find I am at the end of myself I turn once again to my Savior, knowing that if I had done it one day, one moment earlier...
So I choose to fight. I choose to believe in my Lord and my God, and I will love Him with all of my heart even when I am in the darkness and can't understand why. But especially because I have children. I have seen how my depression and my other sin has corrupted and hurt them. And now....I have at least 2 of them who are starting this battle themselves, and I have to be the one to show them how to fight it. I have to accept that for me, this is my life. But I also have to accept and choose to be in the battle. Whether it's on my knees crying out to God or making sure that I am taking my medication or getting new medication if the old doesn't work. This is my fight. This is my battle, and this is my life. I am determined to find a way so that the darkness does not overtake my children, and that they will know how to deal with it when it comes.
Will I write again on this blog? I don't know, I hope so. If I disappear, know I am fighting the battle...or I'm just raising four children. But I leave you for now....with Zeph 3:17.
There have been a few times in the past since my last post that I thought that maybe I should take the time to write something down, or I have had thoughts on my head that I thought would be important enough to remember, but then I always decided against it, for whatever that reason would be.
Life, so full of ups and downs, so full of defeat, failures with the occasional win. Life when you have kids can seem so out of control at times that it feels like you are barely hanging on to the roller coaster that is going 4 different directions at once. Life, when you live and battle this disease called depression can be so overwhelming at times that you can't see anything but the darkest parts of what is happening around you. The days where you struggle just to get out of bed. The days where the kids are behaving badly and you have to, you just have to get up and get moving and deal with it. The days when life is going fine, and yet the darkness is still there and you just can't explain why the deep sadness is there and so you feel there is no fight left in you, all you can see are your failures, your losses, and the world is black and white.
This has been the balance of my life for as long as I can remember. I knew that there was something "wrong" with me at a very early age, it was just so hard for me to be happy and I was in such deep emotional pain that during the teen years I would not have been able to explain it.
Yes, life has it's ups and downs, but for the person who lives day in and day out fighting depression it's more like going from Mt. Everest to the Dead Sea in a day and sometimes for no explainable reason than that is just what is.
Depression eats at you. It finds and points out all of the very worst things about yourself and multiplies them by hundreds and thousands. It alienates you and the loneliness it leaves you with makes you hide, because your depression separates you from the norm and you find yourself unacceptable.
Ok...so if anyone is reading this, you get the idea. My life has been a series of bouts of depressions, some worse than others, but at some point in time a bout always shows up. But I have been learning, using my depression to learn how to fight it.
When I was first officially diagnosed, after my fourth child was born and I was started on medication, it was amazing. It's like I went from living in a black and white world, you know, like the old t.v. shows, to living in HD color. Life had meaning again, I had purpose again, I could see light, and a future. I wasn't some terrible life form who was destroying my life and bringing those down around with me. I started to feel beautiful.
But then the depression would come back again, which at some point it always does, even with medication, and even with working to find the perfect doses. Medication can work miracles, if you have chemical depression, but it's not perfect. But there is one who is.
I have found the perfect medicine to fight my depression, and even in those times when I am holding the tiniest piece of thread by one pinkie finger, I know that "this too shall pass" and once again I will find myself out of the pit, out of the darkness and into the light. And I have hope.
My perfect medication is my hope in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. There is no other way around it. And in my darkest hour I will cling to it with my whole being, or at least I will try.
You see, when you live with and battle depression, finding friends and keeping them is extremely hard. Depression breeds insecurity and negativity.
And when you live with those two characteristics in your life, people run from you like you are wearing a neon sign.
I was reading a book some years ago that said if you are depressed that it is a choice you have made, and you can choose to change it. Boy, that made me mad. I now see it as at least partial truth. Because there is ONE choice you can make, when you are down in that pit, or you are drowning in dark seas that are pulling you under, and that is to hold onto your faith in Jesus, and the fact that He LOVES you. Depression may be a disease for some of us, but even though it is a disease it is the perfect one for Satan to use against us, but even if it is the smallest piece of yourself that you can think of believing in, breathing in the truth of God's love for you, than you know that this bout of depression will pass. But it takes action. You choose to fight it. When it is chemical, and you can not control it...you CHOOSE to fight it.
My choices are, my prayer journal. I love my prayer journal. I can not live without my prayer journal, believe me I have tried. Unless you know another person who wants to admit, or talk about or share that they live on a day to day basis fighting the battle of chemical depression, than there is no one else on earth who will be able to understand what it is like. When you have been fine and life has been moving along like normal, (really, what is normal?) and then you wake up one day and the darkness has come...no one here can understand or sympathize. So what do you do? Sometimes you live with it, you soak it in, because this is how you have learned to identify yourself, or you don't, you get to that point where you are so sick of yourself that you decide, and you choose to fight. I cry out to the Lord. Just like David. I cry out to the Lord and I pour out my pain and my confusion of why my life has to be this way. And he answers me every time. It may not be as soon as I want it to be. It may take some effort on my part, but in the end it's like I have been stuck in a pit and He reaches his hand out to me and HELPS me climb out so that each time another bout of darkness comes my way, reaching up to Him comes more easily and more natural than the time before. And each bout of depression and darkness comes less frequently and lasts a little less, as long as I make the right choices.
I find Godly mentors and I make an effort to learn from them. There are so many bloggers out there who love the Lord, and so many Bible teachers and videos and books, that I have learned to rely on these tools. Lysa Terkeurst, Jenn Hatmaker, Beth Moore, Kasey Van Norman to name a few of my favorites. The apostle Paul. King David. My Bible.
Am I perfect about keeping this fight going on? No. There are days when I struggle with maintaining any kind of function, to not just blurt all the negative and bad feelings I have over the internet (and I fail sometimes)...(oh, and I usually hear about it)...but when I find I am at the end of myself I turn once again to my Savior, knowing that if I had done it one day, one moment earlier...
So I choose to fight. I choose to believe in my Lord and my God, and I will love Him with all of my heart even when I am in the darkness and can't understand why. But especially because I have children. I have seen how my depression and my other sin has corrupted and hurt them. And now....I have at least 2 of them who are starting this battle themselves, and I have to be the one to show them how to fight it. I have to accept that for me, this is my life. But I also have to accept and choose to be in the battle. Whether it's on my knees crying out to God or making sure that I am taking my medication or getting new medication if the old doesn't work. This is my fight. This is my battle, and this is my life. I am determined to find a way so that the darkness does not overtake my children, and that they will know how to deal with it when it comes.
Will I write again on this blog? I don't know, I hope so. If I disappear, know I am fighting the battle...or I'm just raising four children. But I leave you for now....with Zeph 3:17.
The Lord Your God is with you,
The mighty warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you,
In His love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
I am writing it from memory, I hope it is correct...I dwell on this verse enough...Until next time.
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