So once again I have fallen off of my blogging train.  I had been so excited to start this blog, but as with so many things in my life that I start, I ended up not sticking with it.  In fact, if I am totally honest, I am not even sure what I intended this blog to be.  I think that that might be partly the reason that I have not kept up with it.  I think, in fact, that I let my indecisiveness for what I wanted this blog to be, shut me down. I ended up thinking about who I wanted to portray myself as, or what other people's expectations of me were, how open and honest did I really want to be, did I want to write about one type of subject matter (such as cooking, or soap making, or Bible study), or what.  I think about if my blog is a place where I want to vent my feelings, and then again realize that venting my feelings is what tends to get me into trouble with other people...so then my blog turns into me worrying more about what what other people are going to think than what I am thinking or feeling...so then I stop writing.

Here is where I am this morning.  It's my blog.  I should be able to say/write anything on it.  Whether people choose to read it, is up to them.  If they choose to judge me, that is on them, not me.  Do I have a standard to uphold?  I believe so, yes. At the same time, I don't want to get stuck into portraying myself as someone that I am not.  That being said.....

This morning is December 27, 2014.  I don't know why I felt the need to put the date down, except to say that perhaps I feel like I needed a new start, or I wanted to mark the day as important for my own reasons.

I am going to introduce myself, something I have not done before, but feel the need to do so today.  My name is Alicia Gilbert, and I am 39 years old, a stay at home mom to 4 children, a wife to Rick Gilbert, and a lover of Jesus. This is who I am, and this is who I have been for a long time, except for the lover of Jesus part.  That part is relatively new.  However, that is a story for another day.

Aside from being a stay at home mom to 4 children, I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, and now....diabetes.  I feel that if anyone wants to know who I am, that those are important things to know because they affect me, they affect my daily life and my responses to situations and circumstances.

I have 4 children.  My 2 oldest boys who are 12 and 13, were both diagnosed with ADHD, and ODD at very early ages.  My 13 year old was diagnosed as bipolar at the beginning of this year.  I have a 10 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with ADD and anxiety this year.  Then my youngest son, who just turned 8 yesterday, is at this time fine.  He tends to get a little hyper sometimes, but other than that, he is fine.

Now you know about me.  Now you can possibly begin to understand some of the challenges I face on a daily basis.  Now, you can start to see my life's journey, if you care to.  Aaaand that being said.....

Why am I writing today?  I suppose it is just because I feel like it.  Usually when I write on this blog it is because I feel led to write about something that I feel strongly about, or something that I have learned or been inspired about that I long to share.  Today, I feel the need to start something, a journey perhaps.   Today I feel the need to make a change, to take hold of my life and start living.

I have been in a not so good place as of late....no, let me be quite honest, I have been in a bad place lately.  A bad place, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I believe that whether most people let you know it or not, that that does happen to most people, but we are so blatantly trained to not let our weaknesses show, to not let people know we are struggling, when we are drowning in things that are just too much and too big for us to comprehend, that instead of reaching out for help, or being honest at least, that we paint ourselves another mask, slip it on, and go on pretending that life is fine, life is good, life is perfect, when in reality, it's not.  I used to be so good at that game, but I am not anymore.

So the journey begins...

This would seem to be the place to end this entry and begin another one, however, I have gone back through some of my old entries and discovered some drafts that I had not published before.  I am amazed at the differences time and circumstances make in my writings.  I will be working on some of these unfinished drafts and posting them soon.

I really hope to keep up this journey.  I hope to start writing more instead of less. I hope to be open and honest about my circumstances and my reactions to life, and I hope to change and grow.  I always hope to learn, to change and grow. That my friends, is what life is about.