Issues

Today is a day..."one of those days" as we like to say.  Although nothing particular has actually happened to make it that way, spiritually...today is "one of those days". I woke up, excited, knowing that I was getting back to my journey of living my life with Jesus, and I listened to one of my studies, and I read a chapter in the book, and I started to write in my prayer journal....and instead of having a wonderful communion time with my Lord, I found myself fighting my demons and all of my issues and being angry.

Today is a day in which all of my issues are drowning out my ability to communicate with my Lord.

Today, I feel like a failure.

Today, I feel worthless.

Today, I feel like I will never be able to get back to that relationship with my Father.  That relationship where I don't just believe IN Him, but the relationship where I believe HIM.  It is the place where He speaks the truth of who I am in my ear, and it brings joy and hope to my heart.  It is the place where all of the pain and the rejection of my past is wiped away and I can see the beauty of life, despite my shortcomings and failures.  It is the place where I am accepted and loved, and everything I do comes out of that acceptance and love.

Today, I am not there.....though I long to be.

Today, my issues are bigger than my faith.

But to me?  That's o.k....

Why?  Because my God is bigger than my issues.

So what do I do?

I take my pain to Him.  I tell Him my hurts, why I feel the way I do.

And He listens. And His Presence is there all around me, just listening.

And I feel a peace start to surround me, as if He is telling me it's o.k.

This is our process, this is me telling Him all the reasons why He should not love me,

Why He should not accept me,

And this is Him, listening to my pain,

Holding His arms out to me,

Reaching to envelope me in His perfect mercy and love,

Bringing me back to Him.

This is the beauty of Christ and His redemption.  The times when I have forgotten Him, and tried to do it on my own, and I fall and end up bruised and hurt, and He is there, with tears in His eyes, saying "It's o.k." as He reaches to pick me up, wrap me in His arms and carry me, until I am strong enough to walk beside Him again.

Truths

This year has been a year of many challenges, a few triumphs, and a lot of ups and downs.  When 2014 started I was excited because one of my main goals of the year was to work on my relationship with Jesus and to become a completely committed follower of Him, stronger in my faith and to have a life that was miraculously changed for Him.

I admit, that in my endeavor, there have been more failures than successes, and while I sit here wondering, chastising even, how I could have done things differently, done things better, I know in my heart that there are only 2 reasons why I have failed in specific areas in which I could have succeeded, or...at least done better.  The first reason being...I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that fact! Not only accepting the fact that I am human and therefore flawed...but not beating myself up for it.  The second reason for my failures is quite simply, I put my trust in humanity, (my own and others) instead of my Jesus's sovereignty.  Truth hurts. Writing that sentence hurt.  I have allowed myself to become so blinded by my humanity, my mistakes, my own self-hatred for my failures, or what I perceive my failures to be, and everything else that life has thrown at me, that I have forgotten who I truly am, which is a child of the one true, living God, and that I am saved and I am redeemed.

I have gone from one end of the spectrum of faith to the other, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, my spiritual highs being incredible,  revealing to me wondrous things about God and His love for me, a place where I promise myself to never leave or let go of... to falling into valleys  filled with darkness and self-condemnation so deep that I do not think that I will recover.  It is a place where shame and guilt plague me day and night, where memories of the past, and mistakes of the present eat away at my soul threatening to bring me to a point where there is no return to the God of my salvation, and strength.  The God that I have found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with.

But how does this happen?  How can I go from one extreme to another knowing that when I am walking with Jesus, I actually can stand myself, and maybe even like myself, but when I am not...I definitely don't?  Why do I fall?  Why do I fail so much and so often?

Truth hurts, is hard to admit and while I may not see it in the midst of circumstances I know the answer to these questions also.

I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.

If I am quite honest with myself, with no excuses, the answer to those questions lies in that one sentence.

I forget my decision to live with spiritual intention.

It might start as just a little thing..."God, I'm tired today, please forgive me as I choose to nap instead of spending time with You."  "I can't believe what is happening today, I am too mad and upset to sit here and spend time with You, God", to one of the worst "God, I don't understand how You could let this happen...I don't want to talk to You!"

Then we all know how it goes,
one day turns into two,
two turns into three,
so forth and so on,
until it is just too easy to let life happen,
to let life block out what should be my biggest priority...
my life with Christ

Every person's journey with Christ is different.  Every person's spiritual need is different.  I know that my needs, spiritually, are probably much more than what the average person needs on a daily basis.  I know that because of my past, because of issues that have scarred me deeply from my childhood, that in order for me to be "spiritually healthy" and therefore mentally and emotionally healthy, that I need to be in the Word, that I need to be on my knees EVERY DAY.  I know that my relationship with the Father, and my relationship with my Jesus has to be daily, WITHOUT FAIL, otherwise I will find myself, sooner than later, back in a valley.

I guess that is what this blog is...

My own spiritual journey with Christ.  What I am learning, how I live my life.  My record of growth and failures, triumphs and mistakes...

The life of a simple woman, wife, mother, Jesus lover...just trying to make it, to grow in faith and live for Jesus in a world that is difficult and messy, and wonderful and beautiful all at the same time.

It is my Simple View.

So once again I have fallen off of my blogging train.  I had been so excited to start this blog, but as with so many things in my life that I start, I ended up not sticking with it.  In fact, if I am totally honest, I am not even sure what I intended this blog to be.  I think that that might be partly the reason that I have not kept up with it.  I think, in fact, that I let my indecisiveness for what I wanted this blog to be, shut me down. I ended up thinking about who I wanted to portray myself as, or what other people's expectations of me were, how open and honest did I really want to be, did I want to write about one type of subject matter (such as cooking, or soap making, or Bible study), or what.  I think about if my blog is a place where I want to vent my feelings, and then again realize that venting my feelings is what tends to get me into trouble with other people...so then my blog turns into me worrying more about what what other people are going to think than what I am thinking or feeling...so then I stop writing.

Here is where I am this morning.  It's my blog.  I should be able to say/write anything on it.  Whether people choose to read it, is up to them.  If they choose to judge me, that is on them, not me.  Do I have a standard to uphold?  I believe so, yes. At the same time, I don't want to get stuck into portraying myself as someone that I am not.  That being said.....

This morning is December 27, 2014.  I don't know why I felt the need to put the date down, except to say that perhaps I feel like I needed a new start, or I wanted to mark the day as important for my own reasons.

I am going to introduce myself, something I have not done before, but feel the need to do so today.  My name is Alicia Gilbert, and I am 39 years old, a stay at home mom to 4 children, a wife to Rick Gilbert, and a lover of Jesus. This is who I am, and this is who I have been for a long time, except for the lover of Jesus part.  That part is relatively new.  However, that is a story for another day.

Aside from being a stay at home mom to 4 children, I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, and now....diabetes.  I feel that if anyone wants to know who I am, that those are important things to know because they affect me, they affect my daily life and my responses to situations and circumstances.

I have 4 children.  My 2 oldest boys who are 12 and 13, were both diagnosed with ADHD, and ODD at very early ages.  My 13 year old was diagnosed as bipolar at the beginning of this year.  I have a 10 year old daughter who was also diagnosed with ADD and anxiety this year.  Then my youngest son, who just turned 8 yesterday, is at this time fine.  He tends to get a little hyper sometimes, but other than that, he is fine.

Now you know about me.  Now you can possibly begin to understand some of the challenges I face on a daily basis.  Now, you can start to see my life's journey, if you care to.  Aaaand that being said.....

Why am I writing today?  I suppose it is just because I feel like it.  Usually when I write on this blog it is because I feel led to write about something that I feel strongly about, or something that I have learned or been inspired about that I long to share.  Today, I feel the need to start something, a journey perhaps.   Today I feel the need to make a change, to take hold of my life and start living.

I have been in a not so good place as of late....no, let me be quite honest, I have been in a bad place lately.  A bad place, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I believe that whether most people let you know it or not, that that does happen to most people, but we are so blatantly trained to not let our weaknesses show, to not let people know we are struggling, when we are drowning in things that are just too much and too big for us to comprehend, that instead of reaching out for help, or being honest at least, that we paint ourselves another mask, slip it on, and go on pretending that life is fine, life is good, life is perfect, when in reality, it's not.  I used to be so good at that game, but I am not anymore.

So the journey begins...

This would seem to be the place to end this entry and begin another one, however, I have gone back through some of my old entries and discovered some drafts that I had not published before.  I am amazed at the differences time and circumstances make in my writings.  I will be working on some of these unfinished drafts and posting them soon.

I really hope to keep up this journey.  I hope to start writing more instead of less. I hope to be open and honest about my circumstances and my reactions to life, and I hope to change and grow.  I always hope to learn, to change and grow. That my friends, is what life is about.