Questions and Deep Thoughts

Today, I feel in the mood to write, to express the thoughts that are tumbling around in my head and on my heart.  I'm not a great person, or a really important person.  I am a stay at home mom to 4 kids who most of the time feels like I am getting it wrong.  Over the last 4 years, my life has changed, a lot.  I am nowhere near where I want to be or who I want to be, but I do know that I never want to go back to who I was before.  God has changed me, prayer has changed me, worship has changed me.  There are days when I am clinging to that by the last strand of a thread, when my faith is weak and my emotions outweigh my belief in the truth.  I make mistakes, I sin.  

I have been studying and listening to Named By God, by Kasey Van Norman, and I love how she says that in her deepest sin, she still loves the Lord with all her heart.  I understand how that feels and I relate to that.  Through all of my mistakes, through all of my sin, all of my darkness, I love the Lord Jesus with all that I am.  But I have found myself questioning the strength of my faith.  

I recently watched the movie Monumental with Kirk Cameron who delved into the history of how our country really began.  How after many failed attempts and capture, loss and separation of families, the pilgrims pressed on to come to America so they could follow Christ.  I found the movie and the history quite captivating and I really started to wonder if my faith were that strong. 

Lately, I have been reading about what is going on in Iraq with ISIS.  The beheading of the children of believers.  The crucifixion of adult believers.  People having to flee in terror all because they follow Christ.  And I question myself.  I love the Lord.  I have seen the evidence of my life of when I am following Jesus and walking with Him and when I am not.  But what if I were called to give up my life because I say I believe in Him, not only believe in Him, but desire to follow Him in every way?  What if I were called to give up my child to a gruesome and merciless death because I love Jesus?  Is my faith that strong?  Among the believers in America is their faith THAT strong?  We are a country that was built on faith, and for the right to worship.  And yet I think we forget, that no matter how hard our struggles may seem at times, we have it easy as Christians here in this country.  My heart is breaking for these fellow believers in Christ who have given up everything to follow Him.  And  our country has yet to offer any of these people asylum, while other countries have stepped up.  A country built for religious freedom has failed to offer safety to people who are being tortured and killed for their beliefs.   It is heartbreaking.  

I would love to say that if I were put in that position that I would stand strong and profess my faith in Christ.  I would love to say that as broken as it would make me, that I would survive and still trust in God if I were forced to give up one,or even all of my children to death for Jesus. But would I?  If I were in the face of death, would I really stand up for my faith?

 That is exactly what God has done for me.  God, the Father, the parent, gave up His son, and watched Him go through one of the most horrible deaths, created for the most disdained......for ME!!!  

I can't claim to know any of these people personally, or what their personal walk with Jesus is like, but it must be something if they are standing up for what they believe in the face of death.  And here I am frustrated because I can't find a job, and rent has to be paid, and school supplies must be bought.  Compared to what is happening in other places in the world, it seems so, trivial.  Maybe this is my refining flame.  Maybe this is what God is using to shape me and mold me into who he really created me to be.  The future is unclear.  Who knows what is going to happen within our country in the next 10, or 20 years.  Is it possible that we believers might find ourselves in the same situation that is going on in Iraq?  How soon will the day come when sitting down and praying before a meal in public is no longer applauded or even acceptable?  How soon will the day come when we can no longer publicly carry a Bible or say the name of Jesus?  I desperately hope and pray that it will not be in my lifetime or my children's lifetime, or even my unborn grandchildren's lifetime.  But as for me.....I want my faith to be THAT strong.  I want to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I WILL stand up and proclaim my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, no matter what the consequences may be.  I do not want to live complacently.  I have a lot of growing to do.  I have a lot to learn.  I know that the only way any of that is going to happen is by clinging onto Jesus and staying by His side, even though I fail Him every day.  Through His power and strength I can only get better.