In Sickness and in Health

I have been debating whether to write this post or not and even as I start these first few sentences I pray that God will give me clarity and the words to say.  This blog is so much about me reminding myself of the things that I've learned and continue to learn on a daily basis.  Almost like my accountability book.  It's my view of my life and how I am progressing on it's journey.  When I go back and re-read some of the posts I've written I can see where I have fallen so much, but then I'm reminded that that is what this journey is all about.  Learning lessons, learning from our past mistakes, and repenting of them and moving on.  And therein is where my struggle lies.

In sickness and in health.  When we think of that phrase we think of marriage.  But for me, right now in this moment, it applies to my relationship with Christ.  I have been sick.  I have been very sick and for me being sick is not a good thing.  Being sick is a time when all of my old demons come out of the closet, sometimes bigger than they were before.  Depression, a HUGE issue when I am sick and under the weather.  Worthlessness, guilt, shame, and the inability to persevere.  That's me.  When I am sick I tend to forget everything that I have learned and let my physical rule over me.  That is why the mind, body and SPIRIT connection have become such a huge focus in my life. This last week has not been among my best and everything that I proclaimed to believe in and have proclaimed to have learned kind of flew out the window.  That in itself paints a big word on my forehead in my mind: FAILURE or I'll go even one step further and say: HYPOCRITE.

I as a human have this tendency to keep tabs on everything I do, except for me I tend to remember all of my mistakes and forget all of my victories.  I have always been a "glass half empty" type of person, something of which I have prayed to change and I think that I have made some small steps in that direction although in my own judgmental mind those small steps are never enough for me.  I am always feeling like I should do this better, or do that better or I should BE better, a better person, wife, mother.  In some ways, I can never meet my own expectations of myself.  But being sick?  It brings out the very worst of me in so many different ways.  And as I write this, I am ashamed to admit that it took me over a week to get to the point where I could see that like I do now.  But here's what I am learning tonight.

In sickness and in health, the vows I took on my wedding day, need to be applied directly to my relationship with Jesus.  But in the reverse.  I need to remember that when I am sick and feeling horrible, cranky, alone, etc...that I need more than ever to depend on Him.  I need to remember that just because I feel so terrible not to let that override my commitment to Him.  I still need to be praying, I still need to be reading his word even if it's just a few minutes, I still need to be focusing on what is right and true and not on how badly I feel.  I need to remember to not let my physical discomfort get in the way of my relationship with Him. Because when my focus is on my physical ailments and not on Him, I am not a person to be around.

I said before that I keep tabs on myself and usually of all my mistakes.  I have also said before that I look forward to new days because they are a blank sheet of paper, but in my mind....are they really? Blank to me? Not if I'm keeping tabs!!!!  But here's what hit me afresh tonight as I was steaming myself out in the shower.  Jesus is not keeping tabs on me.

Ironically enough after I had that realization, I read my cousin's blog tonight and I will steal a little of what she wrote here...."God does not care about your poor choices",  "That's not to say He doesn't care - but He cares ONLY FOR YOU".  I love how God does that sometimes.  I will be having an issue about something or reading something or praying something and then I look somewhere and someone else has written or spoken AT THAT MOMENT about the very issue I am struggling with.

The other thing that I have been brought back to, yet again, and a lesson I continue to be taught, but have trouble grasping when times are tough is that when I am alone, I am alone for a reason.  Those times when I am feeling alone and struggling are the times when Jesus is there waving at me saying "Hey...You...I AM HERE!!!!  COME TO ME!!!!" as He is desperately trying to get my attention!  Well, something like that. I fully believe that sometimes God allows us to be in a place where we feel completely alone in the world, for whatever reason, so that we are knocked in the head to remember that He is there, and that He is our friend and comforter and confidant.  When we find ourselves in a place,  no matter what the circumstance, we find ourselves alone it's because He wants our attention back on Him.  At least this is proving to be the case in my personal life.  I believe that He allows me to feel alone because then I remember that I can talk to Him when there seems to be no one else to turn to.  Usually it happens at a point where I have lost my focus on Him.  He wants to be my best friends.  He IS my best friend.  So why do I forget that?

2 Corinthians 12:9
     "My grace is enough; It's all you need. My grace comes into it's own in your weakness."  


Being sick is a struggle for me because as a mom, I am the one who takes care of my family, or tries to.  When I am sick and feel cruddy and feel like I can't do that to the best of my ability or at all, then it hits me where it hurts the most.  My security.  Those demons coming out of the closet?  Mostly based on my own insecurities.  As a stay at home mom, my job is to take care of my family, and when I can't do that I find myself drowning in my failures. I am beginning to understand that that is because I identify my security in what I do as a mom, rather than who I am in Christ.  I forget that all of my security comes from Him, and not in what I do.

This week has been one full of lessons hard learned.  I have backslid in my actions and not lived what I believe.  However, I am finding myself grateful for these lessons because the very fact that I can look back and see my mistakes and admit them means to me that I am growing, and I am changing and that God is working in me.  I just have to be patient enough to get out of God's way and let Him do in me what He wants, and to not let my focus get off of Him.  It is a struggle and a fight, and while sometimes I don't feel like I have the strength in me to keep on in that battle, I come upon moments like these and realize that it's worth it.  Why?  Because as I grow and continue to fight those battles, I am beginning to like me.  I am beginning to be comfortable with who I am and who God made me and wants me to be.  I am beginning to accept and see myself as His creation and that has more meaning and purpose to me than anything else.  And this is just the beginning!