For me, living with depression was like living in a pit with a cover on top of it or a tunnel with no light at the end. There is no hope, there is no real joy, just deep sadness. What is worse is that sometimes there seems to be no reason for it, it's just what is.
I feel the need to stress that depression is a medical issue that can be treated and should be treated. It is like diabetes or any other disease that can be helped. I am not talking about the "oh, I broke up with my boyfriend, I'm so depressed" or "I didn't do well enough on that test". I am talking about the kind of depression that makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, the kind of depression that makes it hard to shower, eat, want to go anywhere or be around people. To take that a step further, the kind of depression that makes it seem like living life is pointless.
I had been struggling with deep depression like this since I was a child. I can remember being 9 or 10 and hiding under my bed wishing I hadn't been born. There was a time when I thought about suicide more than I am willing to admit. I have lost a lot of my life to depression and it is my wish that maybe I can be just a little help to someone else and keep them from struggling as much as I did.
It wasn't until I had my last child that I had a talk with my dr who diagnosed me with depression and started me off on some basic medications.
Let me tell you, it was like night and day. It was like going from a black and white world to one where I saw color and beauty. It also made me reach a point to where I could start accepting God's truths and seeing them and understanding them because before I would read the Word and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't believe that any of it was for me.
Skip ahead to where I am now. I have officially been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I am medicated. There have been a few times where I have gone off of the medications and it has not been pretty. So I know that for me, medication is essential to me being able to live a quality life. I still can have bouts of depression and they still can be pretty bad. But I no longer think about suicide, I no longer am in a place where there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I understand that it is a temporary season and that I have to be strong enough to get through it and there are some ways that I have learned to do that.
Of course, I do have my time where I don't want to do anything about it, but I usually get sick of that so I decide to fight
My Christian friends are essential. They are a lifeline. I know which friends can handle my depression and which friends can't because there is always going to be people who are good with it and people who don't understand it. So I take a very very hard step and tell these people that I am struggling. I know it is time to do that whenever I start isolating myself. I know that when I start doing that, I am at a dangerous point.
I was so grateful to my friends in the last week or so because I was in a situation where I was feeling that I was drowning in my depression and I had some very specific friends who listened to me and prayed for me and with me. One of them who knows me well said, "Go put on some Mandisa". And you know what? I took her advice and went and listened to a song called "Where You Begin", and I listened to it over and over and over again, and I could feel my spirits lifting.
At that point, I was able to start not just listening but hearing God again, and believe me there is a big difference in that.
Depression is hard and it is a hard subject and I have been so disappointed and discouraged because so many people, even a few that I have spoken with over the past few weeks, feel ashamed of it, too ashamed to get help or take medicine for it. Depression in the church itself has been such a taboo subject that so many people hide it and don't try to fight it.
My eyes were opened the very first time I went to Women of Faith because I was stuck in the rut of believing that if I was depressed I must be doing something wrong and my faith was not strong enough or I was sinning in some way that was making me chronically depressed. And then I heard Sheila Walsh's testimony and her struggle with depression and my life was changed. I was so excited to hear that another Christian, someone with influence and wisdom suffered from the same problem I was struggling with. It helped me to realize that I have an illness just like any other illness and it can be treated and I can live a basically normal life and that depression does not make me unworthy of God's love.
Being able to get to that point was so life-changing for me.
That is why I believe that health is not just one category. Physical, mental, emotional and most importantly spiritual all go hand in hand. They all have to be in balance. If one is off then it threatens to throw another one off.
Depression is worth fighting.
Depression does not make you unworthy of the Father's love.
Depression does not have to kill you.
Make good, trustworthy Christian friends who can hold you up when you are down.
Stay in God's Word and if you suffer a bout of depression, realize that it's not forever. It may be miserable in that moment and there may be a whole bunch of emotions that go with that, but it's temporary.
Most importantly allow Jesus to work, He will reach down and pull you up. Even if all you can pray is "help me, Jesus". I have been there. I know what it's like. But don't give up. Please fight.
"He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God."
Psalms 40:2-3
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