Morning Thoughts

     Today is a Monday.  Boo.  Sometimes Mondays can be really hard.  Back to the same old schedule every day.  Sometimes I think life is too full of schedules and routines to be fully enjoyed.  LOL!!!!  Sometimes I think there aren't enough schedules and routines for life to be fully enjoyed.  Usually Monday ends up for me being a day to start the week over again, get back into a routine, but more often than not, a day to "recover" from a busy weekend.  


     Every day of the week, I get up and get my four kids ready for school, with the help of my husband. I take three of them to school, take my husband to work, and then come home for about an hour of peace before it will be time to pick up my youngest son from Pre-K.  I have discovered that my drive time alone has become a time when I think a lot about my life, pray, try to understand what is happening and why...it is a time of deep reflection for me.  


     I started this blog sometime last year due to the encouragement of someone close to me, and like so many things in my life I started all gung-ho and then tapered off until my entries are so few and so far between and why?  Life.  There have been many times in which I have thought that I had something of worth to say or write down, but...LIFE!  


     This started me thinking not only about this blog, but so many things in my life, especially my spiritual walk.  Those thoughts this morning about my spiritual walk is what made me decide to get on the ball and write something down.  


     I grew up going to church.  In fact, when I was a young child, I couldn't imagine life without going to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.  Nothing was ever scheduled on those nights because church was the priority.  Then LIFE happened.  


     I went through a phase where I never attended church.  I never wanted to attend church.  I refused to be called a christian because I didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite, as I viewed so many of the people that attended church.  Then once again, it happened...LIFE.  


     I got involved in church again and loved it, but not for what I was supposed to love it for, but for the wrong things. And once again LIFE happened, and I found myself, disillusioned, disappointed and angry at God. I spent years drowning in the midst of anger and bitterness, and shaking my fist at Him.  I tried to turn my back on Him and live as if He didn't exist.  And that's when it hit me, this thought in my head that clarified so much for me personally.  "How can I act like God doesn't exist while at the same time being so angry with Him?"  Obviously, you can't be angry with someone who doesn't exist! So where do I go from there?


     It was this realization that made me understand that my belief in God and his existence was ingrained so deeply within my soul, that I COULD NOT turn my back on Him.  Not completely.  I couldn't cut Him out of my life and pretend He wasn't there, because He WAS.  So I could spend all my time being angry with Him, fighting Him and being miserable, or I could just get back on the track, get "with the program" and start figuring out how to live WITH Him in my life because he obviously wasn't going anywhere. I just hadn't seen Him.  I had been looking for Him in all of the wrong places, and in all of the wrong things.  I started to realize that when you look for God in people you will always be hurt and disappointed because people are fallible,


    I had to break down and come to a place where it was just me and Him.  With no one in between.  This is where I believe my spiritual walk truly began.  My true life journey with Christ.  It still took some years before I believe I ever really understood what walking with Him daily truly was, before I could comprehend deeply what it means to live and walk in the spirit and let Him guide me.  And believe me, it's been a journey, and one that is far from completion. I stray.  I fall.  I get distracted.  LIFE happens.


     We all know what LIFE is...those times when you feel like it's going well and you are getting a handle on everything and then LIFE steps in.  You lose a job, a pregnancy, a home.  You find out that you have one disease, possibly another and then maybe even another.  Your child has a simple surgery and ends up being sick and ends up in the hospital.  You're sick, tired, overwhelmed with everything being thrown at you.


     This is me, and this describes some of the things I've dealt with over the years, and even the last few months.  I find that where I am now in my journey is so much better than where I was years, even months ago.  I don't stray as far away from the path.  I don't want to get off the path and go my own direction anymore. Yes, LIFE happens, and I allow distractions to get in the way of my view of the path and the God that leads me, but I find that now I am more anxious than ever to get back on the path.  


     I am nowhere near a perfect Christian, not anywhere close to being the person that I desire to be.  But I have started to discover and understand a little better what walking in the spirit and walking with Christ means daily.  What I do not understand, is how easy it is for me to get distracted from that.  


     When I am walking closely with God and working to depend on Him and be in His presence daily (yes, I did say working, it doesn't come naturally) I find that I have more joy, stronger faith, more patience.  Little things don't bother me as much.  I feel like I have the strength to face any challenge that comes my way. I am happy.  Something that has never been easy for me at all!!!


     When I get distracted, my problems drown out everything.  I stop working to be close to Him.  I become irritable, frustrate easily, unmotivated.  Even though I long to get back to where I was,  I doubt my faith.  I get tired and don't want to move.  So where is God when this happens?  And why does it happen?

I picture it like this in my mind.  


     Life is like a long winding road that goes on so far that I can't see the end.  It goes through deserts, it goes through forests, it goes through plains and meadows and up hills and down in valleys, through rocky terrain and clear easy paths.  Jesus is walking with me every step of the way but sometimes I get ahead of Him.  Other times something else entices me to go a different direction.  Sometimes, something is in my way, it trips me up and I fall flat on my face.  Sometimes I get lost in the trees and lose sight of Him.  Sometimes I just need a rest.  Like a child going on a walk with their parent. There is that moment when I want to go no further, not backward, not forward,  and like a parent, sometimes Jesus has to wait for me to get through my fatigue, anger, fears etc. He never leaves my side, but like I have to do with my kids sometimes, I just have to let them get through it and then I can deal with them.  So He stays with me and waits, and unlike me and my own children, He doesn't lose patience, and He doesn't get angry. Sometimes there are the times when I can't get through it and He just picks me up and carries me like I would with my children. When I can see straight, through all my fears and feelings once again, He's the first thing I see and  I can stand up and start the journey all over again. 

     Do I like this process?  Several years ago?  I probably would have said something like "I don't really care".  A year ago?  Two years ago?  I could have honestly said that it frustrated me.  Now?  I don't like it at all!!!!
    If I could have my way, I would keep with Jesus every step of the way!!!  I would never get tired.  I would never get frustrated.  I would never get distracted and lose sight of him, but that's LIFE!!!  That's why it's called a journey!!!  Because despite all of the things that happen that cause me to lose sight of Him, it draws me closer to Him. Each time I stray a little less.  Each time I fall a little shorter.  Each time I'm lost for less time.  I find myself looking up faster, calling to Him quicker, and leaning on Him more.  I find that I'm not as bold to explore on my own down the path because I want to be with Him.  I want to learn what He has to say, and to see what He has to show me.  I want to be with Him, because He makes the whole journey easier and worthwhile.  He can show me things I would have missed without Him by my side.  He can help me understand more things.  He can keep me safe from the darkness.  He can shield me from harm.  


     I AM still going to get tired, I AM still going to fall, and I AM still going to get distracted because I am human and because that is life and those things happen in life.  But each time, it reminds me that I can stay closer to Him longer and that He will never leave my side and that in itself strengthens my faith.  My acceptance of these very facts is proof to me that the journey is already worth it! 


     So these are the thoughts that were on my mind this morning.  I have to admit, I've been in an area of my journey where maybe He has been carrying me for awhile.  I have been distracted and LIFE has happened. But I'm ready to get up and get moving and get back on the path.  I hope that I can stay on it a little longer this time, be a little stronger and not fall flat on my face for awhile.