"MAKE YOUR BED"

Earlier this month I had the privilege of attending Women of Faith in Kansas City.  I was so excited to go because I had gone for the first time last year and that was when my life personally and spiritually really began to take off and change into something much deeper.  I was looking forward to seeing and hearing some new speakers whom I hadn't had the chance to hear before and I had spent a lot of time praying that my heart would be open to what they would have to say.  One of the first speakers this year was Patsy Clairmont, and if you don't know who she is, she is a teeny little lady with a lot of spunk who is just inspiring at least to me, and even though I had looked her up and watched some of her videos online, I wasn't well acquainted with her story. I won't get into what her story is as that is not what this blog is about, but at one point she said that she heard the voice of God telling her to "make her bed".  That little statement hit me hard and really meant a lot to me.  It was so comforting to hear from someone who had been where I have been, still am part of the time and hope to never go to again. 


Make your bed.  It seems simple enough, and no, it is not some kind of vague statement with a hidden meaning.  It is as simple as that, make your bed, make the bed.  For those of us who suffer from debilitating depression, just making the bed can be an almost insurmountable task.  I am glad to say that I have achieved that goal,....today. Do I every day? Definitely not, but now it does not quite have the impact on me that it used to have.  


Depression.  It seems like a horrible word and for so long has been a taboo subject, something to be ashamed of, something to keep hidden from everyone around you lest you mark yourself as someone from whom everyone runs.  I admit, I allowed this very belief to keep me entrapped in serious depression for years.  Let me clarify, I am not talking about your everyday average type depression, you know, when someone whines about "Oh, I'm soooo depressed"...when really they are just having a bad day.  I am talking about serious, deep, dark depression in which you lose yourself completely and don't know how to find your way out of it.  


Why write about depression?  Because I live through it, I have lived through it, and I will continue to live through it for my entire life, unless God decides to completely heal me.  Also because I think so many people are afraid to address the issue.  I write about it because when I was in the darkest part of my depression I couldn't see the fact, and yes I did say COULDN'T, see the fact that no matter how far down I went, I had a choice to allow depression to rule my life.  I regret that it took me so long to see that very fact.  I have a choice to allow depression to rule my life or to just be something that affects my life.  No matter how depressed you get there is always a choice.  It may be impossible to see, but it's there.  


For me?  It took me getting to the point where I was absolutely sick of myself.  I couldn't stand being around me! And since I am stuck with myself I had to do something.  I know some people out there don't believe in medication for depression, but I know for me, it was the right choice.  When I started on my anti-depressants my life went from living in a world of black and white, to a world full of color.  I started seeing possibilities, something I had not seen in a long time.  I did it that way, went to medication first, but I kind of did it backwards.  I have learned a lot.


If you have ever heard or learned anything about depression, then you have probably heard the phrase that "depression is anger turned inward".  When I first heard that phrase it was yet another eye opener.  I had been fighting off depression since about the time I was 15.  I gave into depression around the time I was 25 and continued to give into it until I was about 34.  A long time.  What I realized, is even though I have a genetic, biological imbalance that will make depression a part of my life, and even though I was dealing with some circumstantial depression on top of that, a lot of the depression that I  have complete control over is believing lies.  Lies about myself.  Lies that create self-hatred and self-loathing.  That is where the choice comes in.  There has to come a point in a persons life where they can either continue believing all the lies that say you are unworthy, unlovable, unacceptable etc...whatever your personal lies my be or they can choose to believe the truth.  But it is more than just believing.


I grew up with a Christian background.  I grew up reading the Bible and learning all of the "thee's and thou's" and trying to live a good life, but it meant NOTHING.  It didn't really have an impact on me other than I thought I was a Christian.  But it was doing nothing to help me out of my depression because despite my best efforts in my own eyes there was no way that I was acceptable to God, let alone loved.   But I believe in my heart that God brought me to my knees.  He brought me to a place where I had no where else to turn. I was estranged from my family, I really didn't have many if any close friends.  My husband and I were not on very good terms and as a mother, I was barely hanging on.  God does that, he will bring you to a place where it's just you and Him.  I couldn't understand it then, but I am beginning to get it now.  

This is where the choice comes in. In Philippians 4:8 Paul states " Friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (MSG).  


Filling your minds and meditating on things TRUE. What is truth? Genesis 1:27 says "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them." (NIV)  That means ME!!!!! I like the MSG version of this verse to, it brings so much more imagery to my mind.  "God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God's nature." 

These verses, from Philippians and Genesis literally changed my life. No matter what lies I had believed in the past, I, Alicia was made in God's own image! I could choose to believe that as absolute truth, or I could choose to believe all of the lies that had kept me in the darkness of depression for so long. But it's more than just believing it, it's owning it, understanding what that means. For me? It means that if I am made in God's image, and God created me, then of course he has to love me. I could go into all the verses that tell us who we are in God, but then this blog would really be a lot longer and it's already more than I intended to write.

The verse in Philippians 4 is of utmost importance to someone who is depressed. Garbage in, garbage out is such a true saying but even more so of the depressed person in my opinion. When you suffer from depression like I did, it's based on lies, lies about yourself, lies about your life. For me, I have had to surround myself with truth. Reading my Bible, listening to the Bible, reading books about the Bible and Bible studies. Listening to lessons from such teachers as Chip Ingram, Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer, basically ensconcing myself in truth and reprogramming my mind. For me it is a daily struggle, my medication is important, but just as important is what I choose to surround myself with. I have learned that I have to invite into every single little part of my life at every single minute of my day just to get by. Some days are much harder than others. I am learning to accept this part of myself as who God made me. I don't like it, but it is who I am. I pray for complete healing, but sometimes I wonder if that would be in my best interest. I am in a place where complete dependency on God is necessary. I'm not sure if I would be as dependent on Him, if I didn't have to be.

My last point going back to "make your bed". It's a routine. I have discovered that for myself routine is key! It keeps me from getting overwhelmed and shutting down, which is when I tend to start going down. Making my bed was the beginning of a routine. Balance, when you have a routine is achievable. As Joyce Meyer said in one of her lessons..."Balance is doing a little of everything, but not too much of anything". Boy, did that little quote do a lot to change my perspective on balance and start to understand it a little more.

What I have learned throughout my whole depression experience is that I can choose to believe truth or not. I can choose to stay submerged in truth and ensconced in God's words, and I can choose to make my bed and stay on a routine, and I can choose to try and be balanced. Sometimes I have to ask God for the strength just to make my bed, but I KNOW though from experience that by doing all of those things and most of all depending on God to give me strength and wisdom to do all those things, my life is so much better!!!!! Am I perfect in this endeavor? Not by a long shot, there are days when temptation is so strong to stay in bed and not deal, and I admit days when I give in too. Will I ever be perfect at it? Probably not in this lifetime. But it's a day by day, minute by minute process. Maybe one day God will heal me completely and I won't have to work so hard at it. Then again maybe He won't. All I know is that right now, complete dependency on Him and truth is what I have, and it is ENOUGH.