This is a blog that I wrote back in my Myspace days. It was written on Sept 6, 2006 on my eldest son Ethan's first day of school. It is probably the only thing worth reading on my old blog, but it was also one of my absolute favorites. I always new if I were to start an official blog that I would share this one again. It brings back so many memories as Ethan is now in the 5th grade!!! We have come such a long way with 3 other children following him into their school lives, but none is as momentous as your first child's first day at school. I am glad that I wrote of that account in my life.
First days, new things.....a reminder of how life is always changing, even when it would seem that it isn't. Yesterday was my oldest child's first day at school. Kindergarten. We walked him to the bus stop, put him on the bus, and then immediately got in the van and drove to his school to watch him get off the bus. After which I remembered I forgot the nametag that the teacher had sent home with him, and the paperwork that I was supposed to fill out. So we went home to get that stuff. It all seemed so important. But my husband looks over and says to me "it'll be an excuse to go see him." So into the school we went, 2 younger siblings in tow. I expected to see chaos when we arrived at the door of the classroom and was suprised to find a quiet class, all seated performing various activities. I was also surprised to find the hallway filled with anxious parents all attempting to peer into the classrooms without letting their children know they were there. I was shocked that one woman actually told the teacher she just wanted to sneak pictures of her son at school on the first day and that was the only reason she was there. Geez, at least my reason was good, I forgot to give my son his nametag...it was important....wasn't it? The teacher was in the process of making those students who "forgot" their name tags new ones....so I guess it really wasn't all that important. First days....the first day that my son was away from me, out in the world on his own in 5 and a half years. The first day that he stepped onto a big bus, by himself, went to school by himself, made it to his classroom, by himself, and didn't need me. In so many ways I have longed for this day. Thinking about how much easier my life at home would be once my over energetic, lack of impulse control child was gone for part of the day...and what did I feel? The overwhelming sense of urgency to burst into tears...bawl my eyes out like a little baby. Had I prepared him enough for this? More importantly, could I survive this? My son, who can't seem to hear a single word that I say, and who questions my every request, was sitting at a desk quietly, building a tower as tall as he could with blocks. And wonder of all wonders, he had a question....he RAISED HIS HAND AND SAT QUIETLY until the teacher came to his side. No temper tantrums here, no calling out for attention. I was so proud and moved. Maybe he would be o.k. in this new world called kindergarten....maybe he did get something from all my husband and I have been trying to teach him....or...maybe he just felt that finally he was in a place where he could thrive and be challenged to do something different. Who knows how long this will last. The first day for me to realize that if it is this hard when my first-born leaves and goes to school, how strong will the bitter be, with the sweet, when they are all gone. When all of them are in school, when they leave for (hopefully :-) ) college? Move out? Get married. I never, never understood the meaning of bittersweet as well as I do on this day. The sweetness of seeing something of mine start to grow and blossom, and the bitterness of knowing that I am being left behind and getting older, and newness and new things are going to start fading away. Oh I still have plenty of them ahead of me for now....but still....if only I could look back and remember my first day at school. New days....first days.....they are rare in life, but bring so much pain and joy. If only every day could be lived and felt like this day. (yesterday). When we thought that it was about time for the bus to drop him off at home, we took chairs and sat outside waiting for what seemed to be forever....and finally there he was, unscathed, coming off the bus running towards us "Mommy, Daddy", and throwing himself at us and hugging us for a long time. "How was your first day at school?" I asked, "It was great....did you miss me?" Oh, if only he knew. I now understand what being a parent is like. For everytime that child of mine, and every child thereafter walks out that door, they will take a piece of me with them....and I won't feel whole until they return back home. Does it get easier? I sure hope it does, because one day he is going to need to move and be an adult....and I can't feel this way forever. And then there are those days....when that is all I pray for. But for now....I hope this feeling lasts....at least for awhile.
As I go back and re-read this post, I am deeply moved. We have definitely had our challenges. My sons issues at school started soon after I originally wrote this. He was officially diagnosed with ADHD followed by Depressive Disorder. We have had suspensions, dealt with meetings with teachers, counselors, Principals, and ended up going through state agencies who would provide supportive care for him in school and out. I am so glad that we did it though. It has been a long road since that first day and we are barely half-way through the journey. But I am proud to say he is back to being on his own in school. No more workers coming to sit with him in class, no more groups to help him socialize with others without losing control. His medication is working well, and he is well covered in prayer. Everyone who comes in contact with him tells me what an awesome kid he is with a great personality and this I know. He is so very smart and caring, and I am so proud to call him my son.
There are days when we struggle and I wonder if I have made a difference in his life, and then I hear from others of comments he's made about how his mom loves him, or how he likes to help others by holding doors for them and carrying heavy loads. And I think "maybe". Time will tell. Prayers will help.
Firsts. There will be more. First day of middle school which comes next year. First day of high school. First time driving. first date...so many firsts. One day he will experience these days, not as his own firsts, but with his own children. I hope he can see what I have seen and understand the significance of it all. To learn of the bitter and the sweet. To see the beauty in it. To learn to cherish it.
I, will continue to look for the firsts, middles, and lasts...he is my son, and I have 3 more children to go through all those days. I hope that I can remember and learn to cherish them as much as I did that one day and to teach them all the special times that life can bring, no matter how insignificant they may seem!
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